Candy Cane
by Cykotyks
Summary: I'd rather run away, crawl away, than have you perceive my slow decay... [RenjixIchigo] [YAOI, ANGST, CHARACTER DEATH] [you scared yet? xD]
1. Of Martyrdom and Suicide

**Summary** : _I'd rather run away, crawl away, than have you perceive my slow decay. I can barely breathe and these cuts heal but they won't bleed. We could have a knock-down-drag-out, or face what's been the case... But it could end up in disgrace... What if we tried to relocate it? Would it even change a single thing?_  
**Disclaimer **: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite; all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners; otherwise, this fic and everything else belongs to me.  
**Spoilers** : I suggest being up-to-date, just in case. At the least, the beginning of the Arankar arc.  
**Warnings** : Violence, masochism, foul language, lewd comments, character death, angst, and (graphic) sex in later chapters.  
**Rating** : M – Mature, mainly for the...erm, everything, actually... The violence, death, and masochism that start in the next few chapters, and the sex in the later chapters.  
**Note** : It's earlier than I said it would be (thank Hyou-kun). Show your appreciation and review, otherwise I'll be slow in updating (err...slower than normal, anyway).  
**Dedication** : To all fellow RenIchi slashers. Special thanks to Akuni-A for being my inspiration. Also, I thank Lipton's Diet Green Tea with Citrus (damn good stuff), Diet Dr. Pepper (always good), Sudafed PE, and Claritin (yay drugs).

* * *

Candy Cane : 1 : Of Martyrdom and Suicide

* * *

_ And I believe this may call for a proper introduction, and well  
Don't you see? I'm the narrator, and this is just the prologue._

* * *

"_Can you fake it?"_

_Yeah, I think I can._

"_For how long?"_

_I don't know._

"_If he starts caring?"_

…_Not very._

* * *

"Oi! Ichigo – stop spacin' out!" Renji called. 

Ichigo snapped into reality and immediately changed his course, sensing the Hollow's presence. "I got it," he called out.

"You sure?"

The orange-haired boy didn't answer as he dove down for the blowfish-shaped Hollow chasing a child spirit.

Renji halted at the edge of the building, watching his comrade. A few seconds passed before a blast sent up a burst of hot air, shaking everything around it. "Whew – smells like rotten seafood…"

Even before the dust settled, Ichigo was back up on the building next to Renji. "Not used to them exploding," he said with a nervous chuckle, looking a bit shaken.

"Yeah, it happens," Renji said.

"Heh. Next one's all yours," Ichigo replied as they started moving again.

Renji smirked at the boy. It had been nearly a month since they'd been able to see each other – years since he'd been able to go on normal patrol. He was glad he ran into Ichigo so soon after he came through the gate – patrol was boring alone. Ichigo didn't seem to have a problem running around Karakura with him, either.

"Hey, Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"You mind if I stay at your place while I'm here?"

Ichigo looked at him. "I'm in an apartment now – it's small, but I guess, if you don't mind sleepin' on the floor."

Renji snorted. "I've slept on worse."

"That we have…" Ichigo agreed quietly, looking ahead of them again.

Renji glanced at him. "Hold up," he called. They stopped on the rooftop of one of the taller buildings in the area.

"What is it?"

"Nothin' – I just wanted to ask ya somethin'."

"And you had to stop to do that?"

"'Cause I want an honest answer – how're you holdin' up? Bein' back home an' everythin' now."

Ichigo shrugged. "I'm fine. Why?"

_Liar – nobody answers "I'm fine" after going through a war like that._ "Just makin' sure, is all," Renji replied. "Nothin' wrong with bein' concerned about a buddy."

Ichigo managed a smirk. "Come on – let's head back. It's gettin' late."

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

_How'd I get back here at this? Another sleepless night dismissed. It might take a day to get back and figure out what I missed... How'd I get back here at this? My knuckles white clenched into fists. I might need a day to get back and figure out what I missed... I've been losing sleep for days trying to claim, what little stake I have and why my heart betrays. I'd bail out if it made me free, I'd run but I can barely breathe... How'd I get back here at this? Another cheap attempt at bliss. It might take more than this bottle, to forget about what I missed... How'd I get back here at this? I'm feeling torn just to exist, I guess I need more time to process, the feelings I once dismissed... I've been losing you for days playing this game. I've been using up again my ways to kill this pain. My reasons propped up on this candy cane. It cures my stroke of bad luck and my heart attack of shame. I'd bail out if it made me free, I'd bail out if it made you see, I'd run but I can barely breathe... I'd rather run away, crawl away, than have you perceive my slow decay. I can barely breathe and these cuts heal but they won't bleed. We could have a knock-down-drag-out, or face what's been the case... But it could end up in disgrace... What if we tried to relocate it? Would it even change a single thing?_

The Loved Ones - "Candy Cane"

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Panic! At the Disco "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage"

* * *

Word Count: 371 


	2. The One I Love

**Disclaimer** : I don't own Bleach or any of these songs and/or song lyrics.  
**Warning** : Language, violence  
**Note** : Sorry this is taking so long. I should be able to get more of this up as I get going, so just bear with me, okay? n.n; Remember, the more you review, the more I'll want to give you more chapters.  
**Dedication** : Ranjeri, my beta for this fic and good friend, who gladly told me I made Ichigo too girly, to which I reply "Too bad." This Ichigo is my own twisted creation, and if I want him to cry, he'll cry, so nyeh.

* * *

Candy Cane : 2 : The One I Love

* * *

_ Haven't slept...in a week...  
My bed has become...my coffin...  
Cannot breath...cannot speak...  
My head's like a bomb...still waiting...  
Take my heart...and take my soul...  
I don't need them anymore..._

* * *

After picking up Renji's gigai from Urahara, they walked back to Ichigo's apartment. The flat wasn't anything spectacular, but as he said, it was his own space. His bed was tucked in one back corner, under the window, and the bathroom was in the other corner. The third corner held a small kitchen with another wall separating it from his desk, which ended at the two-foot long doorway hall. 

"You have a cat?" Renji asked. There was indeed a small orange tabby curled up peacefully on Ichigo's body.

"It's just Kon," Ichigo said, nudging the snoozing cat enough to wake him up. Moments later, Ichigo was back in his body. He sat up and moved Kon to the pillow.

"I wouldn't've taken you for a cat person."

Kon stretched out with a yawn. "Ohayo, nii-san…"

Ichigo shrugged. "He's easier to deal with this way. He can get outside on his own through the window. And it's still the middle of the night, Kon," he said as he walked to the kitchen.

"Oh. Well, in that case…" Kon hopped up to the windowsill and then outside.

"I still would'a never taken you for a cat person," Renji reiterated.

"I'm more of a cat person than a stuffed toy person. You want some tea?" he asked, shutting the window.

"Whaddaya got?"

Ichigo opened a cupboard. "Lemon…chai…chamomile—scratch that, I'm out of chamomile—ah, and strawberry."

"Chai's good."

Ichigo started on making the tea in silence. It unnerved Renji a bit. He was used to the arrogant, foul-mouthed brat Ichigo, not the hospitable, quiet and polite Ichigo. Even though it had only been maybe two hours since they started patrol, Ichigo's voice lacked his usual cockiness, and not once had he thrown a childish insult or taken Renji's bait for an argument. Okay, maybe two hours wasn't really enough time to jump to conclusions – after all, Ichigo could grow up, right? Surviving a war like that could turn any immature boy into a man real quick. But this was Ichigo, and Ichigo just wasn't Ichigo without the arrogant smirks, childish quips, and immature retorts.

"What're you doing here, anyway?" Ichigo asked, startling Renji out of his thoughts. He leaned against the protruding wall, waiting for the water to boil.

"Getting away from Soul Society," Renji answered. "Paperwork's not my thing. It's gotten piled up 'cause of the war and everything."

"Won't it just pile up more if you ignore it?"

Renji grinned. "I'm on official leave, so it's somebody else's problem now—Rikichi's actually."

"I believe that's what they call 'abuse of power,'" Ichigo said as the water heater beeped and he had to get up again.

"No it's not – I asked if I could have some time just doing field work, so I'm still working, I'm just not doing paperwork."

"How much time did you ask for?"

"I can only get a week without any major assignments. An' I mean exactly a week – 168 hours. I'm still tryin' to get stationed here, but y'know how that goes… I did manage to catch Yama-jii in a good mood when I brought it up, though."

"'Yama-jii in a good mood' is an oxymoron," Ichigo said with a small laugh as he handed the redhead a mug full of hot tea.

Renji chuckled. "It was a bit odd, but I ain't dumb enough to question it."

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Finally!" Renji exclaimed, surprising Ichigo enough to cause him to almost spill his tea all over himself.

"Geeze, man, what was that about?!"

"Y'went too long without shootin' off some sort of insult at me," Renji stated plainly. "It was startin' to scare me."

"So I'm not allowed to go more than ten minutes without insulting you or starting a fight?"

"One, you went for two hours. Two, I never said anything 'bout startin' fights," Renji said before sipping his tea.

"That's usually what happens when the insults start flying," Ichigo countered, irritated. Then he sighed. "Sorry – I'm just a little too tired to start anythin' with you."

Renji snorted. "Since when've you been 'too tired' to insult me?"

_Since the war. Since the nightmares. Since…_ Ichigo sighed to himself before getting up and setting his mug on the desk. "Since now. I'm going to bed," he said shortly.

* * *

_What the hell did I do to deserve an asshole like him coming around to bug the shit out of me? I was doing fine on my own, and then he has to come around and ask stupid questions that I don't want to answer! I can't keep this up if he keeps bugging me. I can't act like nothing's wrong when every little stupid thing starts pissing me off. He's going to figure out I'm not the same…_

Ichigo grimaced and rolled over. It had been maybe fifteen minutes since the lights had gone off, but Ichigo knew that this night was going to be like every other night – long and distressing. Even if his racing thoughts kept him awake, they kept out things he didn't want to think about as long as he kept the thoughts as inane as possible.

_This is stupid. And annoying. I'll tell him to find someplace else to stay for the week. Urahara will take him, probably. Or he can just sleep on the streets. He could pass for a bum. Mess up his hair a bit, have him wear that stupid hippie shit. He'd be fine. Just like me. I'm just fucking fine. Like I keep telling you, Renji, I'm just fine. Don't give me that 'I don't think so' look – it's annoying, and it makes you look smart, which is even more annoying. You're not supposed to find out. You're supposed to let me go insane and then say, "I never knew this would happen – he was perfectly fine. I'm his friend, I should know." And everybody'll nod and say, "Yeah, his friend would know." …Heh. That's…really fucking pathetic, even for me… I'm not myself – not the sixteen-year-old rookie brat Renji knew. I'm the nineteen-year-old war veteran with shellshock… _SHIT

Images flooded in, as if they had been waiting eagerly just behind the door he ended up opening. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut before burying his face in his pillow and emitting a small whimper of pain and frustration. He wanted to scream. He couldn't scream back then – he was nothing but a machine then. But the images of that peaceful district completely decimated were still stored in his memory. They burned and tortured him by themselves, then dug up the guilt and regret of his detachment. He knew it was better that he fought without the emotional ties hindering him, but it hurt knowing that he acted so cold in the middle of all that carnage of innocent people…

_People like Shibata…_

He choked back a scream. The memories wouldn't stop coming. He tried to think about something else, something happy to derail this speeding train – he thought about his family and instead of derailing it, it wrecked. His family lay slain with Shibata and the others, bodies twisted, mangled, maimed, bloody, and hardly recognizable except for their open eyes that stared at him in blank confusion, as if asking him "_I thought you were going to protect us? What did you do? Why didn't you protect us?"_

_NO!!! That didn't happen!! I didn't kill them!! My family is safe!! They're not dead!! I DID protect them!!_

_You didn't protect Shibata. You didn't mourn for him and his family. You may as well have been the one who murdered them all._ The thoughts circled him like vultures, waiting for him to admit defeat.

_What…what could I have done? There was nothing I could do! I couldn't…I couldn't do…anything…_

_You are a failure._

"_URUSAI!_" Ichigo finally screamed into the pillow. He had curled up in a tight fetal position, facing the wall. He was shaking. _D-dammit… _Hot tears stung Ichigo's eyes. He tried his best to calm himself down so he could keep quiet, but it wasn't working.

* * *

Renji watched as Ichigo's reiatsu reacted strangely to whatever was going through the boy's head. It was painful to just sit there and watch, but Ichigo would kill him if he tried to do anything. He had been noticeably restless, but that didn't mean it was anything out of the ordinary. 

_Maybe he's not too bad off… He's probably annoyed that I'm here._

Renji let his eyes slip closed only to snap open a moment later as Ichigo made a pained noise.

_Shit._

Ichigo's reiatsu was getting agitated and violent, and he was curled up tightly on his side, trembling, before he screamed into the pillow, startling Renji.

_What the…_

Renji couldn't stand it anymore. Even if Ichigo took everything out on him, he'd much rather take that than sit there and watch that sort of pain just eat him from the inside. He sat up and gently touched Ichigo's shoulder. "Ichigo…?" Renji called out softly, in case he was actually just having a nightmare.

Ichigo jumped and looked at him with wide eyes. Fear flashed in them for a moment before the boy registered who it was, and he promptly buried his face in his pillow again. "Go a-away, Renji…" He sounded like he was trying to keep himself from crying, even muffled by the pillow.

"Well that's not very nice," Renji quipped. He only knew one sure-fire way to get Ichigo to look at him: piss him off.

"Fuck you." His voice was squeaky and trembling.

"I'm pretty sure yer in no condition to do any sort of fucking, strawberry."

Ichigo whipped around and threw a punch at him. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, JERK-FACE!"

Renji caught the punch and grabbed a hold of his wrist so he couldn't move. "You're not okay," he stated flatly. Ichigo's eyes were watery and tear streaks were forming.

"No shit, really?" he snapped sarcastically as he jerked his arm out of Renji's hold.

"Hey – I just wanna help you, okay?"

Ichigo snorted and curled back up on his side around the pillow, facing the wall again. "Go away."

Renji tugged the pillow out of his weak grasp. "You're gonna hafta make me."

"Grow up, Renji."

"Right back at'cha, berry-chan," he retorted, moving onto the bed with him.

"Don't call me that," Ichigo tried to snap.

Renji rolled his eyes and lay down against the boy, wrapping his arms around him. "I don't think you mean that," he teased lightly.

"Get off me."

The redhead snickered. "You really will have to make me, Ichigo – this is quite comfy."

Ichigo stared at the wall, not really sure what he wanted to do about this situation. His body seemed to decide for him as he slowly relaxed into the warmth and comfort of the other man. "You're a pain…" he sighed, letting his eyes slip closed on their own.

Renji nuzzled at the orange hair. "Ichigo…?"

"Shut up and let me go to sleep," Ichigo groaned softly.

Renji sighed. "Sorry… I just wanna know why you won't talk to me."

"I'm talking to you now, aren't I?"

He snorted. "That's not what I mean – why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"'Nothing' doesn't usually require yelling at it to shut up."

"It's…it's nothing you can fix. It's my problem."

Renji paused. "Weren't you ever taught to share?"

"Renji, the last people I've shared my problems with were my sisters – way back before I became a Shinigami, when my problems were simple."

"You haven't talked to them since you've been back?"

"I have… Just not about that. They don't need to know about that."

"So? Maybe they _want_ to know why their big brother isn't the same."

Ichigo winced. "Don't…" he said, his voice breaking as he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"Sorry…" Renji said softly, resting his head against the boy's.

"No, it's… Every little thing seems to set me off… I can't keep the memories from affecting me…"

"If it makes you feel any better, I still get assaulted by my memories, too."

Ichigo tried to look back at him. "How…do you keep from being affected?"

"The same way you keep a punch from hurting when you can't avoid it."

"You…roll with it?"

"Exactly. You gotta treat this like a fight, because that's what you know. Right now, the punches your memories are throwing can't be avoided, so you gotta just let them hit you without fighting them. Eventually, they'll wear themselves out and you'll be able to push them back, but until then, you gotta get beat up a bit. You don't have to ask for the fight though. You can do your best to avoid the triggers or distract yourself from thinkin' about it – there ain't nothin' wrong with that – but when they come, let 'em come. Eventually you'll be able to brush them off without killin' a part of yourself, but at this point, you can't ignore them. You don't gotta give them attention all the time, though – it's better if you don't. They'll never go away completely, but you can let them exhaust themselves."

Ichigo mulled this over. "Is it…really that easy? To just treat it like a fight?"

"I wish it were as easy as a fistfight… This is a completely different opponent for you, because you're basically goin' against yourself. It's gonna be hard and it's gonna take a long time, but it's gonna be a little easier when you've got a plan."

Silence fell for a moment. "Arigatou, Renji…" Ichigo said softly.

Renji smiled a bit. "Can you still get to sleep?"

"Yeah, I think so…"

"Then unless you don't mind me spoonin' ya, scoot over," he said, slipping his arms away from the boy.

Ichigo caught his wrist, stopping him. "I don't mind," he said softly. He attempted to look at Renji, but when their eyes locked, he quickly looked away, blushing.

Renji smirked. "Oddball," he murmured, returning to his position, nuzzling the orange hair.

Ichigo didn't respond as he closed his eyes and let his body decide if he could sleep tonight.

Renji stayed awake until he was sure Ichigo was asleep and wasn't going to go into any more nightmares. _You'll be okay, berry-head. We'll get through this – I'll get ya through this, if only to get my bratty Ichigo back…_

He chuckled to himself. …_My Ichigo, huh?_

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: The Rasmus "The One I Love"

* * *

Word Count: 2423  
Total: 2794

* * *

Vocabulary...

Ohayo: Good Morning  
Nii-san: (big) brother  
Urusai: shut up (_lit._ annoying/noisy)  
Arigatou: Thank you (Note: My computer recognizes "arigato" as a word, not "arigatou," but the "o" is long, romanized as "oo" and written in hiragana as "ou," which, as you can see, is my preferred way of spelling it)


	3. In the Shadows

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Lewd comments, harsh language, mental breakdowns.  
**Note** : None :D  
**Dedication** : To every single freaking emo/angsty/sad song on my iPod. The Rasmus is in the lead, closely followed by Savage Garden.

* * *

Candy Cane : 3 : In the Shadows

* * *

_ Time after time, I lose again...  
Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking...  
I'm fool enough to fall again...  
Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying..._

* * *

Renji had never understood when girls talked about knights rushing headlong into a battle against a vicious fire-breathing dragon just to save a complete stranger who just happened to be a princess. Hinamori tried to explain to him that it was what true love was all about, and when two people were in love like that, the story always ended in "and they lived happily ever after." When Renji questioned fantasy with street rat logic, Hinamori gave up, saying that somebody like him just wouldn't understand. 

She was right, of course. Growing up as a street rat, possessions and people slipped in and out of his grasp as easily as water, and any stranger was an enemy. Getting attached would only cause heartache, and trying to be a hero would get you killed. Love and kindness were hindrances, inconveniences. Feelings and emotions only got in the way if you hung onto them.

And then he had crossed paths with one Kurosaki Ichigo, who ran headlong into a battle he couldn't possibly survive just to save a girl he barely knew.

From that first battle, Renji had thought Ichigo a fool for letting emotions plunge him into certain death. But Ichigo had survived, just like Hinamori's fictional knights. He had survived, regained his shinigami powers, and invaded Seireitei – the dragon's den. All to save a girl they had called a friend.

And Renji had found a hatred for him and his stubbornness. He hated Ichigo for being Rukia's knight in shining armor – for showing him the possibility of Hinamori's stories being true. He hated the rookie brat that had taken his best friend's powers and sealed her death sentence, and that same rookie brat was defying all odds to save her, while her best friend couldn't do anything for her. He hated Ichigo for showing him that.

Renji had been scared of standing up and speaking out. He was following orders – always following orders. Even when the order meant killing his best friend, he followed it. He, like Rukia, was also a prisoner of the dragon – a prisoner of the presiding all-powerful order. That was the dragon the orange-haired knight had come to slay. And even though he had only intended to sever the dragon's fatal grasp on one girl, he had ended up severing several men's blindfolds that had been keeping them from seeing who they once were. He proved there was no strength in blindly, silently following orders.

And upon defeating some of the strongest shinigami, he shattered several chains and opened a rift in the dragon's power of authority. After all, who could believe an inexperienced, independent ryoka was so powerful? Fueled only by a promise made to nobody but himself, he _demolished_ several sections and seated powers. There was no way prisoners like them could bring themselves to kill that passionate determination. Once shown their shackles and prison bars, they couldn't stop the man who was shattering them without a second thought. And even those with obligated loyalty to the dragon, some just couldn't bear to extinguish a fire that brilliant, that free. Others chose to underestimate him, and they passed off the blazing fire as an immature emotion that would only lead to his premature death.

Those were the men who had never been told the fanciful stories of Hinamori's knight. Those were the men who didn't know to think that maybe, _just maybe_ there was such a thing as "happily ever after." Those were the men who failed to see that Ichigo's resolve and will to fight came in the form of a pure, raw, unstoppable fireball driven by other-worldly, emotional power.

And Renji had found himself in awe-inspiring admiration of the boy who defeated Kuchiki Byakuya. He wanted to fight alongside with that power, and he had let him. Ichigo had _asked_ to fight together. Renji hadn't let that opportunity slip out of his grasp. Where Byakuya had condemned emotions to result in a cold and untouchable machine, Ichigo had let himself be happy and sad and arrogant and angry, which resulted in a boy so human, it was disconcerting to know that his _will_ to fight could be eclipsed and dwarfed by his bloodthirsty _instinct_ to fight.

Unfortunately, no matter how powerful the kid was, he was still only a _kid_. No amount of physical power was going to defeat the dragon in his head.

_I wish I could be your knight, Ichigo. I wish I could slay this dragon for you and give you the Happily Ever After you deserve… But I can't, and it hurts watching you lose…_

* * *

Ichigo jolted awake from the sound of pebbles hitting the window. _Dammit, Kon…_ he mentally grumbled to himself as his consciousness gathered his senses. He slowly realized that the red-haired freeloader was in his bed – _still_ in his bed, rather, and still asleep with his arms around him. He paused. He wanted to stay asleep in that warmth, but Kon was likely to do something stupid if Ichigo didn't let him in. 

"Wake up, fat-ass," Ichigo called as he slipped away from him, before shoving him off the mattress with his foot.

Renji rolled off and sat up. "That wasn't very nice," he grumbled, trying to look grumpy, but at Ichigo's somewhat forlorn expression poorly disguised under morning drowsiness, he pulled a childish pout.

"Blame the cat," Ichigo said, pushing the window open. Kon hopped in just as Ichigo stood up to begin his daily morning routine, starting with turning off the alarm clock Kon had, once again, managed to beat.

"Ohayo! Where's breakfast?"

"Don't you catch mice or something?" Renji asked.

"Mice? Eugh – that's disgusting." Kon shuddered. "I'd rather eat that disgusting kibble."

"Unfortunately, he's spoiled and gets leftovers," Ichigo said before shoving his toothbrush in his mouth.

"You call ramen broth 'leftovers'?" Kon shook his head and turned to Renji. "Please say you know how to cook, because nii-san doesn't."

Ichigo snorted and spat in the sink. "Renji? _Cook_?"

"Hey! I can cook!" Renji huffed.

"Can you do it _well_, though," Ichigo clarified around the toothbrush.

Renji caught the challenge in his voice. "I'll prove it. I'll cook dinner tonight."

"Do you even know how to work modern appliances?"

"Ehh… I'll figure it out," Renji said with a shrug.

Ichigo spat again. "Like hell you will!"

But Renji laughed. "Baaaaka – yes, I know how to work 'em."

Ichigo eyed him over his shoulder. "You break _any_thing and I'm gonna force you to get a job to pay for it."

"What would you care?" Kon said. "You barely use anything in there!" he added with a whine.

Ichigo just threw the wet washcloth at the cat. "That's not the point."

Kon yelped and bounded into Renji's lap. "Pissy pissy!"

Renji chuckled and grabbed the washcloth and tossed it back at Ichigo, who turned around and leaned back against the sink counter. "Kon's got a point – you are kinda pissy."

"It's 'cause he doesn't get any sex," Kon said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Kon!" Ichigo chucked the washcloth again, and was subsequently caught by Renji, who was cracking up.

"What – it's true!" Kon retorted, now laying down with his ears flat against his head.

"Entirely beside the point!" Ichigo folded his arms across his chest, looking peeved.

"I think he's gay," Kon muttered. Renji snickered and Ichigo looked like he was trying his best too keep from killing Kon right there. "Oh come on – you don't have any porn around here, you've never been to a club or _anything_—you don't even _look_ at Inoue-chan's boobs!"

"Just because I'm not _perverted_ doesn't make me gay!"

"Too bad I've heard you saying—iie, _moaning_ Renji's name in yer sleep. And in the shower."

"You. Have. Not," Ichigo said firmly, trying his best to keep his face from coloring and failing.

Kon grinned, having found a new sensitive subject with which to torment the boy with. "Ichigo and Renji, sittin' in a tree. F – U—"

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Ichigo yelled, throwing the closest thing to him – a hard plastic cup – at the cat, which resulted in Kon springing one way with a yelp and Renji quickly bringing his knees up to avoid getting hit in the crotch. The cup connected with Renji's shin with a crack.

Renji winced. "…Ow."

"I'm so outta here," Kon muttered before jumping out the window again.

Ichigo glared at the retreating feline before looking back at Renji. "Sorry – you okay?"

Renji slid the PJ pants leg up to look at the bruise. "Yeah. I don't think your cup is, though."

Indeed, the plastic cup had suffered an X-shaped crack in its side.

"Toss it – I have to get ready for work."

"Work? In your condition?"

"I'm fine – I've gone to work in much worse condition."

* * *

Boredom quickly set in while Ichigo was in the shower, so Renji rummaged around the kitchen, looking for anything to make a decent breakfast with. Unfortunately, it was painfully obvious that Ichigo was living off of cereal and instant ramen. Still, he managed to dig up bread, butter, and grape jelly. 

He popped the bread in the toaster oven and fiddled with the controls. He knew how to work a toaster, but the toaster _oven_ was entirely new to him, and the multiple buttons just made things complicated. When he was pretty sure he'd gotten it right, he started it and got himself a bowl of cereal.

After a minute, Renji was sure he'd screwed up – the toast was black already and starting to smoke. He quickly hit the OFF button and opened it up, letting the smoke clear out. "Well shit…"

"Wha'd'ya do?" Ichigo asked, coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist and another over his head to dry off his hair.

"Erm…" Renji dumbly pointed at the smoldering toast in the oven, his brain having just stopped all practical thought processes at the sight of half-naked Ichigo.

Ichigo pulled the towel off his head and looked at where Renji was pointing for a moment before his eyes went wide. Renji's brain kicked into gear again, fearing he'd done something horribly wrong, but he noticed that Ichigo's eyes weren't focused at all.

"Ichigo…?" _Shit…_ He'd triggered something and he had a horrible feeling he knew exactly what it was.

"Don't…feel good…" Ichigo managed to mumble.

Renji walked to him and placed his hands on the sides of Ichigo's head and looked into his eyes. "It's not real. You're not there anymore. It's all in the past."

Ichigo shut his eyes tight. When he opened them again, tears spilled down his face. "I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Then go be sick," Renji said, letting him go only to steer him towards the bathroom once more.

* * *

_The smoke could be seen miles before they even got to the edge of the scorched and charred path of destruction caused by some weird, mutated, flaming Arankar. Experience told Renji to keep from breathing through his nose – unfortunately, Ichigo didn't seem know the importance of this._

_When they came within a few meters of the path, Ichigo recoiled from the stench – the vile amalgamation of burning bodies, smoldering buildings, and a myriad of things that should never be set ablaze – and landed on his knees, a hand over his nose and mouth as he hunched over, trying to collect himself again._

"_Boke – don't breath it in!"_

"_I wasn't trying to!" Ichigo snapped in a strained voice before he retched._

_Renji stayed with him until he was able to continue on. They walked through the town together. Ichigo kept a sleeve over his nose and mouth, not wanting to repeat that episode. Unfortunately, sight alone was enough to make him sick. Renji could keep his vision unfocused, allowing him to keep from distinguishing one burned thing from another, but Ichigo's wandering eyes caught every outline of what once was a man, a woman, a child…_

_It wasn't long before he retched again._

* * *

Renji handed the steaming bowl of ramen to the boy. Ichigo had thrown up and cried until all he was giving was dry heaves. Renji had to help him to his bed, where he was sitting now with a pair of sweats on, looking like shit. 

"Yeah, you ain't goin' to work today, kiddo," Renji said plainly, sitting down near him.

Ichigo gave a weak snort. "I'll be fine," he said, his voice still hoarse.

"How many times you done that?"

"What – puked my brains out?"

"Yeah. I just guessed you hadn't been eatin' right, but…"

"Once. I did the exact same thing you did with that fucking thing."

"So why else you lookin' like ya do?"

Ichigo didn't physically respond. "Whaddaya mean?"

"If you've only upchucked once, why you look like you ain't been eatin' much?"

He averted his eyes. "I just get to feelin' sick a lot, so I don't eat. When I do, it's just this stuff or Cheerios…"

"Boke…"

"Can you just get me my damn cell phone? Idiot Inadou will get pissy if I don't call in soon. It's the shiny black thing on my desk," he added, setting the bowl in his lap as Renji got up.

"Call in? Hey – this is really small…" Renji turned the black Razr phone over in his hand.

"Yeah – call in sick. You're obviously not gonna let me go. Give it."

Renji didn't seem to want to give it up any time soon. "The phones we get are all bulky compared to this…"

"Can you just give it to me already?"

Renji ignored him and opened it, only to tilt his head in confusion. He showed Ichigo, asking, "How'd you get this on here?" The background picture was of Ichigo and Renji and the other guys from Soul Society all in relatively normal clothes. The picture was centered on Renji and Ichigo. The redhead had an arm around the boy's shoulders with a dorky grin on his face.

"It's a camera phone," Ichigo explained, finally able to take the phone from him. "I took a picture of the photo Orihime took of all of us."

Renji kneeled down in front of him. "What other pictures you got on there?"

"Stupid shit," he muttered, going through his phonebook. A few seconds later, he had the phone to his ear.

Renji stopped paying attention as he stood up again and started looking through Ichigo's closet.

After a minute, the phone snapped shut. "What the hell're you doin', Renji?"

"Lookin' for somethin' to wear."

Ichigo looked confused. "Why?"

"I can't go to the store in pajamas, right?"

"W-wait – you're gonna go to the store?"

"You've got no food. I like ramen an' all, but I ain't gonna live on it while I'm here."

"An' whose money do ya think yer gonna use?"

"Mine – Urahara trades the money we get in Soul Society for the money you got here."

"Oh…"

"Ukitake has all the bounties you earned, by the way, if ya ever need it."

"How come I wasn't told about that?"

"You never asked – you got any pants that're loose on ya? 'Cause yer still too damn skinny for those tight-ass jeans to fit me."

"Look in the bottom drawer of my dresser."

* * *

Once Renji got clothes to change into, he disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower, leaving Ichigo to his ramen. He'd only eaten a few bites but the off-white mound of noodles flecked with green and orange wasn't looking very appetizing. 

"_Eat the whole thing, even if it makes ya sick. Otherwise I'll kick the crap outta ya."_

Ichigo scowled at the lifeless pasta, as if it had given the order and not the redhead currently naked in his bathroom…

"_Too bad I've heard you saying—iie, _moaning _Renji's name in yer sleep. And in the shower."_

He felt his face heat up from Kon's previous words, and that in and of itself made him blush furiously. He shut his eyes and leaned back against the cold wall, letting himself calm down.

"_Yare yare…"_ a familiar voice cooed inside his head.

Ichigo's eyes snapped open. "Shiro…" he growled.

"_Don't sound so happy to hear me, aibou,"_ he deadpanned.

"What do you want, Shirosaki?"

"_To tease you about your hard on for him."_

He scowled. "I don't—Go away. Just go away," he muttered, setting his elbows against his knees and burying his face in his hands.

"_You are truly pathetic, _king_."_

"You aren't helping, _horse_," Ichigo spat.

"_You think things are gonna go away if you suppress them? Ignore them? Pretend they aren't real?"_

"Damare…" he growled.

"_If you were _smart_, you woulda figured out from dealing with _me _that that kinda shit ain't gonna _work_. Not everything goes your way!"_

"_Nothing_ goes my way. Now leave me alone."

Shirosaki snorted. "_You know how to shut me up, king, you just don't want to. You like yellin' at me, havin' somethin' that'll respond to ya. You need me here, in your head, because you don't want to deal with your own problems—"_

"_URUSAI!!_" Ichigo had drawn up his knees, spilling the bowl, and dug the heels of his palms in his eyes as he trembled.

"Ichigo?" Renji came out of the bathroom with just his jeans on. His hair was down and still wet, as was his skin. "Ichigo, what's wrong?" he asked, kneeling in front of him.

The boy had curled into himself, burying his face in his arms. At Renji's voice, he shifted his head up just enough to look at him with one brown eye.

"What is it?" Renji reached out to him, but the boy freaked and knocked Renji's hand away.

"It's not your problem!"

Renji frowned for a moment before grabbing him and shoving him on his back, pinning his arms at his sides. "I told you to share, idiot. Stop being so damn selfish."

"Why…"

Renji loosened his grip and sat down Indian-style. "Just tell me what the hell is wrong. I know I can't do a whole lot, but I gotta do something or I'm gonna go nuts."

Ichigo covered his face with his arms. "Why do you want a part of this?"

"Because that's what friends are for. We share the good and the bad. Unfortunately for you, I'm a greedy little bastard – I always want the bigger half," he added with a smirk. "Just start sharin', okay? Ya may find that ya like it."

Ichigo took a minute to answer. "You don't want a part of this."

"You don't want it either – that don't mean we ain't stuck with it. As long as it's here, somebody's gotta bear it. You're tryin' to keep it all to yourself and you know it ain't workin'. So just try it – try lettin' me in and sharin' some of the shit you can't deal with."

Another minute. "I have…a Hollow inside me," he stated flatly. "The embodiment of my instinct. He is…insane. And powerful. And he is under my command." He paused. "I defeated Kenpachi… I defeated Byakuya. I defeated _you_. I _destroyed_ the _Soukyoku_. All on my own. So why… With all my power, with all my strength, why the hell am I losing…to _images_ in my _head_?" His voice had begun to waver and broke at the end.

"You haven't lost, Ichigo," Renji said softly. "You're still sane—"

"You call this sane?" Ichigo moved his arms above his head to look at Renji. "I hear voices in my head – not just Shirosaki's. They say things I don't want to hear, things I _know_—deep down _I know_ they aren't true – not completely. But I…"

"They make ya doubt yourself," Renji finished, understanding.

He covered his eyes again. "They make me _hate_ myself. For how I acted."

"What…do you mean?"

"Last night… One of the patrols through Rukongai – the district that got shredded… There was a boy who lived there, Shibata Yuuichi. We – Rukia and Chad and I – saved him from a Hollow back…back before Rukia got arrested. We met him in Rukongai again when we…invaded. He was adopted into a family he introduced us to. He… I saw him…and his brother… His entire family…mutilated… And back then…all I could think was 'I want…whoever did this…dead. And I want to be the one to kill them.' Nothing else. I didn't even pause to say 'I'm sorry' or anything. I was…just _cold_… 'You didn't protect Shibata. You didn't mourn for him and his family. You may as well have been the one who murdered them all.' That's what…the voices said last night. And the images…" His voice broke again into a sob.

Renji frowned and ran his fingers through Ichigo's hair.

Ichigo put his arms down. "W-what're you…"

"You did what you had to do, Ichigo," he said softly.

"You don't think I know that?" he snapped, rolling over to his hands and knees to glare at his friend. "You don't think I _know_ that I acted the way I _had_ to to fight effectively?"

"If you _know_ that, then why is it haunting you?"

Ichigo's expression shifted from anger to confusion.

"You're doubting yourself. What I can't say is what exactly you're having doubts about – that's your problem to figure out."

Ichigo closed his eyes and lay back down, with his head resting on Renji's legs.

"Do you remember…the district Grimmjow decimated?" Renji said after a moment as he began running his finger's through Ichigo's hair again.

Ichigo paused. "That was…78th?"

"My home district. You remember how I acted?"

He frowned, thinking back. "You…"

"I was _numb_, just like you were. And I drowned it in alcohol that night, just like you did. And I felt like shit, just like you do."

Ichigo let the silence hang, expecting him to go on. "…You gonna tell me how you got past it?"

"There's nothing to get past. You're clinging to it. Let it go."

"How can I just…" His voice broke again and he covered his face with his hands, damming a fresh wave of tears.

"That's for you to figure out – you can think about it while I'm at the store," Renji said, getting up.

"W-wait—what? Renji!" Ichigo rolled over and sat back on his ankles, watching him.

"What? I'll be back in like an hour or so and we can have some real food, alright?" he said as he pulled his shirt on.

_Please don't leave me alone!_ Ichigo wanted to say it, but… "Alright."

* * *

"_What're you gonna do?"_

"Nothing," Ichigo said weakly. He had leaned back against the wall, his knees drawn up, elbows set against them, his head buried in his arms.

"_Nothing,"_ Shirosaki repeated, skeptical. "_Wallowing in self pity doesn't count as nothing—!"_

"URUSAI!!"

"_Oh please – you know as well as I do what you're trying to avoid. Whether or not I bug the shit out of you isn't going to change what you're going to end up doing."_

"If you'll just leave me _alone_, I can stay away from it until Renji gets back…"

"_Renji told you to think about how to let it go. How about listening to him? It's pouring in here – if nothing else, it'll calm you down."_

Ichigo took a deep breath and lifted his head, looking over to the kitchen. "…"

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

_ Heaven sent you...to bring the answer... Heaven sent you, to cure this cancer... For a moment...unbeatable chance... For a moment...the world in my hands...  
Like an angel you came, every time when I prayed... Guardian of my dreams, watching me when I sleep... Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed...  
Time after time, I lose again... Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking... I'm fool enough to fall again... Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying...  
Still disconnected...and unprotected... Still I'm haunted...but unwanted... For a moment...unbreakable stars... For a moment...you stayed in my arms...  
Like an angel you came, every time when I prayed... Guardian of my dreams, watching me when I sleep... Like an angel you came, every time when I screamed...  
Time after time, I lose again... Night after night, I wake up shaking 'cause my world is breaking... I'm fool enough to fall again... Night after night I wake up crying 'cause I feel like dying..._

Song Title and Lyrics: The Rasmus "Night After Night (In the Shadows)"

* * *

Word Count: 3903  
Total: 6697

* * *

Vocabulary... 

Baka: idiot/stupid  
Boke: idiot/fool (_slang_)  
Iie: no  
Yare yare: (akin to) man oh man/boy oh boy/my oh my/etc...  
Damare: shut up  
Soukyoku: the execution zanpakutou (in case you forgot)

* * *


	4. Bleed Black

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Masochism, violence, language.  
**Note** : Do not try this at home. Actually, don't try it anywhere.  
**Dedication** : To ShizukaShadow, who bravely volunteered to be my gamma-reader, which subsequently lead to tossing ideas back and forth, which lead to tossing fanart back and forth. Very very hot, sexy, steamy, porny fanart. And even though she said she felt like she wasn't helping, she really was. Fanart is wildly inspirational. Also, attempting to translate the hiragana on some of the pics and babbling to her with it was helpful with my Japanese. It's a wonderful day when RenIchi can be used in a study session -/UraharaGrin-

* * *

Candy Cane : 4 : Bleed Black

* * *

_I am destroyed by the inside... I disassociate.  
I hope to destroy the outside...it will alleviate and elevate me.  
Like water flowing into lungs – I'm flowing through these days.  
Like morphine cuts through–through deadened veins – I'm numbing in these days_

* * *

"You have any clue what's goin' on with him?" Renji asked as Urahara fiddled around with the money. 

"Kurosaki-san? I haven't been paying particularly close attention to him – why?"

"Cut the crap. You watched him like a hawk before – there's no reason for you to take your eyes off him when you _know_ the kind of stress he's under."

"He's dealing with it," Urahara said solemnly. "It's not the best way, but it's his way. If you're really worried about him, though, I suggest not leaving him alone," he added, handing Renji his money.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Renji said, pocketing it.

"See for yourself."

Renji frowned and reached out, trying to find Ichigo's reiatsu. When he found the faint trace, he sensed something horribly out of place. "Thanks, Urahara," he said quickly before running out.

Urahara frowned with a sigh. "You're not going to like what you find, Abarai-san…"

* * *

Renji ran as fast as he could back to the apartment and up the stairs to Ichigo's room. When he got to the door, he paused to compose himself before entering the room calmly. 

"Ichigo?" he called, not seeing the boy on his bed. He went to the bathroom door and heard the shower going, so he tried the knob, only to find it locked. "Ichigo!" He growled and busted the crappy lock. He shoved the shower curtain aside to find the boy huddled in the corner, soaked with his sweatpants still on.

And blood running to the drain, a kitchen knife at his feet.

"Ichigo!" Renji shut off the cold water, his hands shaking, before kneeling down and pulling Ichigo's hands away from his head. The boy's left arm was marked with deep cuts and still bleeding. "Fucking hell," he growled.

"D-don't…" Ichigo croaked out and lifted his head. He looked at Renji with blank eyes and a somewhat deranged, euphoric smile. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine – you idiot, you could bleed out and _die_!"

"I won't die… No… Shirosaki won't let me die…" he said softly. He bowed his head, eyes closed. A few seconds later, the wounds started to close up.

"What the…"

It took maybe fifteen seconds, but the cuts closed, leaving nothing but barely noticeable pale lines.

And Ichigo passed out.

Renji gathered him up in his arms and took him out of the bathroom. He got him dried off, out of his wet clothes and into dry ones. Then he got rid of the ramen-soaked sheets and – not finding any more – wrapped the boy up in extra blankets and laid him on his bed. Renji sat with his back against the wall, Ichigo's head on his outstretched leg.

"What the hell're you doing to yourself, Ichigo…" Renji asked softly, running his hand through the boy's hair.

After a few minutes, Ichigo stirred, rolling over in his sleep with a small groan.

"Ichigo?" Renji spoke softly, trying not to startle him.

"Renji…? Oh—shit," he grimaced and curled up. "I—I…"

"Damare…"

"That wasn't what—"

"It's your way of dealing – Urahara already knew about it."

Ichigo fell silent for a moment. "I was just trying to do what you said – letting it go."

"By trying to bleed it out of you?"

He nodded. "I-I'm sorry… I didn't mean to make you worry…"

Renji sighed. "You're real good at doin' it, though."

Ichigo eyed him with an attempted smirk. "I'm a big boy now, Renji. I can take care of myself."

"Obviously you can't," Renji snapped, killing any trace of amusement in Ichigo's expression. "When you feel okay, you're coming to the store with me."

"W-what? Why?"

"'Cause I don't _ever_ wanna feel that weird feelin' in your reiatsu again," he said firmly.

Ichigo closed his eyes. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

"What're you talking about?"

"You said it yourself – it's my way of dealing. If I can't—If you won't _let me_ deal with it _my_ way, then what do you expect me to do? How am I supposed to deal with this?"

"You'll figure it out."

Ichigo quickly sat up, glaring at him. "Stop saying that! You seem to find everythin' else so damn obvious but you don't think it's obvious I _can't_ figure this out on my own?!"

"I never said you had to do it alone! And really, I'd rather you _not_ do it alone."

"Then _say_ that!" He paused and let himself calm down. "I don't read between the lines all that well, Renji – 'specially not now. If you've got a way to help me, you gotta spell it out for me, otherwise I'm not gonna get it."

"I'm tryin', Ichigo, but I ain't ever been good at explainin' myself, either. What I could put in words, I said last night. Anything beyond that is beyond me."

Ichigo paused to think. "You said…I could distract myself."

"Yeah…"

"You got any suggestions?"

Renji smirked. "Only what Ikkaku and I used to do – hands-to-hand combat until somebody collapses. No weapons, no kidou."

"Shunpo?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Limited. And keep Shirosaki out of it."

Ichigo returned the smirk. "Alright then."

"After we go to the store and get something to eat – you barely touched your ramen this morning."

* * *

Ichigo silently and reluctantly tagged along with Renji to the store. He didn't pay much attention as Renji picked out food and whatnot. He stared at the floor and let his mind go blank. Thankfully, his Hollow wasn't bothering him – and why should he? Ichigo wasn't sad, so his inner world wasn't being rained on. It was probably cloudy – the kind of cloudy that could easily clear up in a matter of minutes, and just as easily darken and cause a storm. It was exactly the kind of fence he was on, and he was trying to stay steady on that fence until he could fight with Renji and numb himself with the exact same adrenaline produced by his cutting. 

"Yo – berry-head," Renji snapped, tapping Ichigo's head.

Ichigo involuntarily recoiled. When he looked up, a little shaken, Renji was staring at him. "S-sorry. What?"

Renji decided to shrug the reaction off. "You like spicy stuff, right?"

He nodded. "Don't call me berry-head."

"I'll call you whatever the hell I want to."

The boy frowned. "Fucking pineapple," he growled.

Renji just chuckled. _That's right – just take it out on me. It's the least I can do for you…_

He paid for the food and they took it back to Ichigo's apartment.

After they ate a quick lunch of HotPockets (Renji had to threaten Ichigo to eat it), the two were out of their corporeal forms and engaged in a fast-paced, full-force street brawl on the rooftops in the afternoon summer sun. Renji was quickly realizing that Ichigo was still far superior in hand-to-hand combat, even in his current mental state, and his speed – even without shunpo – was nothing to be taken lightly. The older man stayed primarily on the defensive once he realized that Ichigo was going all out on him. Teasing banter here and there kept the boy from backing down and would often be replied with physical force with a burst of energy (usually excessive and wasted). It was Renji's purpose, though – make Ichigo take everything out on him, and wear him out. So far it was working.

Now the real fun began.

"Oi, berry-brains," Renji called, perching himself on the ledge of the slightly taller neighboring building to the one Ichigo was on.

"Stop with the fucking berry names!" Ichigo snapped.

"Chill for a moment."

"Huh?"

Renji looked over at the skyline, debating on how to bring this up. If he didn't do it right, it could end up causing an irreparable rift in their friendship. But he had to risk it, otherwise this exercise was pointless. "What you did to yourself this morning…" he started.

"Why're you bringing that up?!"

"Damare! Just answer me: did it work? You forgive yourself for it?" He fixed his eyes on him again.

"For…give…? You said I just had to let it go!"

"That requires forgiving yourself!"

"You didn't say that!"

"Do I have to tell you _every_thing?!"

"Apparently!"

"Grow up, Ichigo! Answer the fucking question! Do you or do you not forgive yourself for letting Shibata die?"

"I DIDN'T _LET_ HIM DIE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

_Perfect – thank God you're predictable._ Renji braced himself as Ichigo flash-stepped and went for the redhead.

Ichigo's assault lasted for a few minutes and Renji didn't retaliate the whole time until the boy faltered. At that point, Renji kicked him in the stomach just hard enough to send him backwards. Ichigo stumbled and landed flat on his butt, trembling with tears in his eyes.

"You're a fucking asshole…" Ichigo said, his voice shaky and broken.

"Get up, rookie-brat," Renji said coldly.

Ichigo's head snapped up and saw Renji with his arms crossed across his chest and not even looking at him.

"Get up!" Renji snapped, sending a kick to the side of his head.

Ichigo caught it. "I…did not…just _let_…Shibata Yuuichi…and his family…die," he said firmly, shoving Renji's leg back. "And I'll _kill_ you if you say that again!" he yelled as he kicked at Renji's stomach.

Renji blocked it with an inner smirk. _One issue down – good boy, Ichigo._ He leapt away again out of Ichigo's range. "One other thing," he started.

"Renji, I don't know what the fuck you're up to, but you better stop bringing Shibata up!"

Renji continued anyway. "Do you forgive yourself for being a soldier?"

"W–…What?"

"Do you forgive yourself for fighting under the command of the Shinigami? For fighting as a soldier?"

"I never…" It clicked. Ichigo sighed and closed his eyes. "I…don't have any regrets about fighting alongside you and the other Shinigami," he said truthfully. "I'm proud of it."

"You can say that to me and have me believe it, but can you say it to yourself and your voices and believe it?"

Ichigo nodded. "Yeah. Arigatou, Renji…"

Renji allowed his happy smirk to show as he chuckled. "Thank God you don't hate me for what I said."

"I don't hate you, but you _are_ gonna pay for tellin' me to grow up," Ichigo said in mock-threat as he attacked Renji again.

Their fighting was on the friendlier side this time, and Renji didn't hesitate to finally start attacking the boy.

"Were you _letting_ me hit you before?" Ichigo asked as Renji dodged another punch.

"Pretty much," Renji replied, jumping back out of range. "You were pretty ineffective – didn't bother me too much."

"What?!" Ichigo lunged for him again. After a few shots, he finally landed a hit and Renji retreated.

"You're _still_ pretty ineffective," Renji said as Ichigo gave chase.

"Ineffective my ass, liar!"

"How many hits have I landed on you so far, berry-head?"

Ichigo caught him in the stomach with his foot. "CUT OUT THE NICKNAMES!"

Renji jumped back and landed in a kneeling position, holding his stomach with one hand as the other steadied himself. "You'll have to do better than that to convince me to stop. And I've landed five – you've only landed three," he added, flash-stepping to land his foot in Ichigo's stomach, sending him backwards.

"You're keeping count?" Ichigo asked, wincing.

"No," Renji said with a smirk. "You're still losing, though."

"I haven't lost yet, bastard," Ichigo growled, flipping his body around and kicking upward to hit Renji square in the jaw.

The redhead let himself fall to his back, unmoving.

Ichigo took a moment to watch him. "Renji?" He crawled over to him. "Renji – you're not funn—ack!" He was hit in the side of his head by Renji's leg and he toppled sideways, rolling away from him. "Bastard!"

Renji sat up and smirked. "Silly rookie – don't you know you're not supposed to trust your opponents?"

Ichigo glowered at him before charging again.

Renji stopped him, kneeing him in one thigh and slamming his elbow in the other.

Ichigo promptly tripped as his legs gave out. "'The hell?!" he yelped, wincing in pain. "You…"

"Dead legs," Renji explained.

"I'm well aware of WHAT you did – I'm wondering WHY!"

Renji nodded his head to the setting sun. "We've been at this for – what? Six, seven hours almost? It's gonna get dark."

Ichigo rubbed at his legs, trying to ease the pain out. "And you had to disable _both_ of my legs to say you wanted to stop?"

"No – I needed to disable both of your legs so you couldn't say I gave up," he explained with a smirk.

The boy glared at him. "Hiatus."

"Hm?"

"The fight's on hiatus."

"Alright. Do you wanna sit there until your legs wake up, or you want a piggyback ride back to your flat?"

Ichigo glared at him for a moment. "Back to my flat," he said.

Renji smirked and kneeled down with his back to him and Ichigo climbed on.

"Wow – you're a lot lighter without Zangetsu," Renji said as he flitted around the rooftops.

"He's not _that_ heavy…" Ichigo said, dozing off on Renji's back.

"So says you. But I guess you've lost some weight yourself."

"Twelve kilo," he mumbled.

"What?!"

"From the day I came back home to…a few days ago."

Renji skidded to a halt. "That was only three weeks!"

Ichigo just shrugged without answering.

"Che… That's it – I'm making you eat. A lot. I'll force it down your throat if I have to," he added, moving again.

Ichigo managed a soft chuckle. "Arigatou, Renji…" he said so softly that Renji wasn't even sure he'd heard him right.

* * *

When they got back into Ichigo's flat, Renji dumped him on the bed, waking him up. 

"What was that for?" Ichigo muttered.

"So you could get back into your body, boke."

Ichigo looked over at his comatose body and frowned. "I don't want to…"

Renji looked at him, perplexed. "Why the hell not?"

"I don't know… I just don't…feel like it."

"What's that supposed to mean? Actually—don't answer that." He grabbed Ichigo by the front of his robes and shoved him into his body.

"Asshole," Ichigo grumbled as his scrapes and bruises showed up. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and healed the injuries, subsequently healing his dead legs.

Now that he wasn't panicking, Renji could see the faint shadowy reiatsu that swirled around the wounds, forcing them closed. "How'd you learn how to do that?" Renji asked, now back in his gigai, sitting across from him.

Ichigo looked at him for a moment, then looked away. "You don't want to know."

"Too bad – tell me anyway." He was getting suspicious.

The boy winced. "I…tried to kill myself…"

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: AFI "Bleed Black"

* * *

Word Count: 2463  
Total: 9160

* * *

12 kilograms – 26.4 pounds

* * *

Phoenix Reviver gets a cookie for figuring out what Ichigo was gonna do xD 


	5. Fear of Dying

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Masochism, violence, blood, lewd comments  
**Note** : Fear my plot-bunnies! (Yes, plural – beware)  
**Dedication** : To Campbell's Chunky "To Go" soups, who somehow made me want to eat a spicy soup when I, like Renji, do not like spicy things! Oh well. Gave me something else to put into the story.

* * *

Candy Cane : 5 : Fear of Dying

* * *

_ I'm not afraid of screaming, and I'm not afraid of crying...  
I'm just afraid of forgetting, and I am afraid of dying..._

* * *

Renji looked at him in shock. 

Ichigo continued. "A few days…after I came back. I couldn't stand the nightmares and the voices anymore, so I sliced my wrists open – did it in the shower, just like how you found me." His voice was emotionless. "Shirosaki asked me if I really wanted to die. He said that he would take over completely and destroy everything I had known. I said I wouldn't let him do that, so he said I couldn't let myself die, and as long as I didn't want to die, he wouldn't let me. So he healed the cuts, showing me how. Now…I can just use his power to heal myself when I want it. The only drawback is that it takes a lot out of me…"

Renji didn't know what to say. A myriad of emotions swirled in him, not letting him just choose one to stick with.

"I told you, you didn't want to know," Ichigo said softly.

"No – I'm glad you told me. I just…don't really know how to react to finding out my nakama tried to commit suicide," Renji replied.

"Anger, pity, disgust – pick one, it doesn't matter. I've already experienced them all," Ichigo snapped, closing his eyes. After a second, his eyes snapped open as he jumped from Renji coming into contact with him to wrap his arms around him. "What're you…"

"I don't know what makes you think I'd be mad at you, or pity you, or be disgusted," Renji said. "If anything, I'm scared. I don't know what's wrong with you and I don't know how to help you, and that scares me pretty bad…"

"Renji…" Ichigo buried his face against the man. "Please…don't say things like that…"

"I have to. I'm sorry, but I can't let you think I'm angry or disgusted, because I'm not."

Ichigo grimaced, fighting tears. "Please…just be mad at me – I can deal with that. I can't… I don't know how to deal with you being scared…"

Renji nuzzled Ichigo's hair with a sigh. "Sorry, but I can't. I can't be angry with anybody who's hurtin' as bad as you."

"Then leave me alone…"

"Can't do that either."

Ichigo attempted to shove him away. "Then what good are you?!"

Renji let him go. "I have no idea, but I'm hoping I'm good for protecting you from yourself."

"I don't need your protection!" His eyes went wide as Renji leaned forward and caught his lips in his own in a tentative kiss. Once he registered what was happening he forcibly shoved the man from him in a panic. "What the hell're you doing?!"

Renji seemed to ignore him as he licked his lips. "That's a pretty good way to shut you up…" he mused.

Ichigo threw a punch, only to have his target move back out of the way, throwing the boy off balance. Renji used that momentum and knocked him down.

"Bastard," the boy growled, not even bothering to get up.

Renji got up. "Call me what you want, Ichigo, I'm not leaving. And I'm gonna make you eat."

"I'm not hungry," he grumbled, curling up on the sheets that made up Renji's bed.

"You lost twelve kilos in three weeks – you haven't been eating _at all_, have you?"

Ichigo mumbled something.

Renji nudged him with his foot. "Speak up."

"I've been eating, just not a lot…"

"How much is 'not a lot'?"

"…Noodles. Kon stays out until…about now when I work. I get home, make ramen, try to eat it, end up forking out the noodles and I leave the broth for him. He's probably sucking up to some cat loving, D-cup woman who's feeding him all sorts of food. That's the bad thing about giving him a living body – he has to eat to sustain it."

"That's it?"

"And Cheerios sometimes at night when the stomach pains won't go away."

Renji sighed and went into the kitchen. Ichigo heard him open up a can of something and turn on the microwave.

"What're you doing?" Ichigo asked.

"Making soup."

"…What kind?"

"Chicken-somthin'-or-other."

"…You gonna make me eat it?"

"Nope. I'm gonna make you watch me eat it."

Ichigo sat up, looking at him, confused. "What?"

Renji smirked. "Yes, idiot, I'm gonna make you eat it."

The confusion turned into irritation. "I don't like chicken soup."

"Well, I don't like spicy, so somebody's gonna hafta eat it."

The irritation turned to interest. "You didn't say it was spicy."

"Well, you never know. I could be lying."

"Shut it, Renji – you don't get to play mind games with me after what you pulled."

"What – you mad about the kiss?"

"Yes, I'm mad! That was gross!"

Renji smirked, subconsciously licking his lips. "I beg to differ."

Ichigo restrained himself from attacking him. "Teme…"

The redhead snickered and took the bowl of soup out of the microwave as it beeped. "Get over here and eat this – and don't say you ain't hungry."

Reluctantly, Ichigo got up and sat at the dinky little dining table. With a sigh, he idly swirled the soup – grilled chicken and sausage gumbo – around with the spoon.

"Please don't make me spoon-feed you, Ichigo," Renji warned, putting another bowl of soup in the microwave.

"I can't eat it…" he mumbled.

"Why not?"

"No appetite."

Renji looked at him for a moment. "This is more than just shellshock, isn't it?" he said, looking back at the microwave.

Ichigo stared at his soup, poking at the chicken with his spoon. "It's _just_ shellshock. That's it. I'll get over it eventually," he said without any hint of conviction in his voice.

"No – this is a lot deeper…"

"Then what is it, Renji? If you know so goddamn much, what the hell is wrong with me?"

Renji looked over at him again. "Do you remember the names of the Shinigami you knew who died?"

Ichigo looked back at him confused. After a moment, he spoke. "Who…died?"

The man closed his eyes and faced forward as the microwave beeped again. "Hopefully you'll remember soon…" he said softly, getting the bowl out.

The boy went through his memory, trying to recall details, only to find that his memory was full of holes – very large holes. He started panicking. "Renji – please tell me. Who died?"

"It won't mean anything to you if I just give you the names. You have to remember them for yourself. If I tell you, it might just make this worse." He set the soup on the other side of the table and sat down.

"What the hell could be worse than not being able to remember which of my comrades died?!"

"Knowing who died and not being able to remember _how_ they died. That'll just tear you up worse."

Ichigo looked back down at his soup for a minute. "I can't eat this," he said.

"One bite, that's all I ask. It might make you feel a bit better."

"I seriously doubt that…"

"I didn't mean it like that. Just try it."

He sighed and forced himself to eat. After the first bite, he looked a little less begrudging.

Renji smirked as Ichigo started eating more. "You get it now?"

"Shaddap," Ichigo growled.

The redhead just chuckled.

* * *

The orange-haired shinigami ran through the barren landscape that was broken in monotony by the occasional nameless, faceless shinigami lying dead on the ground, covered in blood. Nameless because he didn't remember them; faceless because he didn't _want_ to remember them. There was only one face and one name screaming through his head, sending him into a panic with every step as he couldn't find it. He couldn't find that face among the countless dead. He couldn't find that ever-so familiar reiatsu no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't feel anything at all. 

Then he saw it. He halted, his heart stopping as he made out the familiar saw-toothed sword silhouetted against the blood-red setting sun and the haphazard spikes jutting from the man's head.

"Renji…"

He went cold, seeing the look in his comrade's eyes – he was angry, hurt, betrayed… The boy looked down, away from that sight, and saw something else that froze him to the core.

He was covered in blood.

"Oh my God…" he breathed, looking up at the redhead, confused and scared. He knew whose blood it was. "I didn't…"

"You're just like them," Renji said, his voice cold, before he collapsed on the ground.

"RENJI!!" Ichigo screamed. His own voice made his eyes snapped open. He stared at the wall, wide-eyed and panting.

_Just…a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Oh thank God, it was just a nightmare…_

The nightmare had left him shaken and quite reluctant to close his eyes again.

"Ichigo?"

The boy jumped at the voice, then looked back at the redhead. "S-sorry – I didn't mean to wake you—"

"Yeah, I know," Renji said flatly. With a sigh, he moved to Ichigo's bed and wrapped his arms around him like he had done the night before.

"Why're you…"

"You slept better like this last night."

Ichigo didn't fight it. His heart rate slowed as his body relaxed into Renji's embrace. After a moment, he spoke again. "Renji?"

"Hn?" Renji replied sleepily.

"Do you…think I'm just like the Arankar?" he asked softly.

"What? No! What the hell gave you that idea?"

"Not even when Shirosaki's in control?"

"Look, your Hollow's hella freaky, but I have never _ever_ compared you or him to the Arankar – not when it comes to you, specifically."

"So you've compared the Vizard and the Arankar, then…"

"On a purely structural basis. Fundamentally, the Vizard and the Arankar are just as opposite as Shinigami and Hollows."

Ichigo gave a weak smile. "Arigatou, Renji…"

"That's the fourth time you've thanked me in twenty-four hours – it's starting to scare me."

The boy didn't answer as he closed his eyes and relaxed against him again, letting sleep overtake him once more.

* * *

"Renji an' Ichi, sittin' in a tree, F – U – C—!" 

"YOU'RE DEAD!" Ichigo lunged for the feline, who nimbly hopped up on the desk.

"Man, that was such a cute scene – if only I could work a camera," Kon said with a snicker.

Renji sat up, a bit grumpy from the rude awakening. "You are one annoying mod soul…"

"Imagine _living_ with him," Ichigo growled, glaring at the cat before he stood up.

"I'd rather not…" the man grumbled, getting up.

Kon looked from Ichigo to Renji and back again. "Wait – so…nothing happened?" He sniffed the air. "Nothing happened."

"What're you going on about?"

"You…and him…were all…_cuddly_…and _nothing happened_."

"So?"

"SO WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?!"

"Nightmares," Ichigo answered from the sink.

"And that required getting cuddly with…with _him_?!"

"Can I toss him out?" Renji asked.

"Please."

Kon attempted to escape but Renji was quicker. He grabbed the tabby by the scruff of the neck and carried the yowling, cursing feline to the open window.

"DON'T DROP ME! WE'RE THREE STORIES UP!"

"Oh shut up," Renji said, letting him go before he shut the window. He looked over only to find Ichigo had disappeared into the bathroom. "Guess I'm making breakfast…"

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Jack Off Jill "Fear of Dying"

* * *

Word Count: 1867  
Total: 11027

* * *

Vocabulary... 

Nakama: friend/comrade/teammate/ally  
Teme: (_vulger_) you (Note: akin to "you bastard")

* * *


	6. Madness

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners.  
**Warning** : Language, violence, alcohol use.  
**Note** : I know nothing about drinking or being drunk. I'm eighteen and socially inept - what do you expect? e.e  
**Dedication** : To everybody else who's also never been on a date and thus hasn't the first clue of the differences between "expensive dates" and "cheap dates" and is thereby screwed for the in-class English essay. Also, to my apparent Freudian slip on the word "expensive," of which I seemingly always manage to typo as "expenisive" or "expenisve."

* * *

Candy Cane : 6 : Madness

* * *

_Cry, cry when there's something to cry about... Cry, cry, baby, but don't drown in the sadness...  
It's madness.  
Don't ask me to explain... Don't take away the pain... It's impossible to save me...  
It's madness.  
So easy to complain... Nobody left to blame... It's impossible to save me...  
Crack in the shield...feels so unreal...no one to blame...for losing the flame...  
Crack in the shield, lost in the fields of sadness...  
It's madness.  
_

* * *

"_Do you get a lunch break?"_

"_Yeah – an hour. I usually don't take it, though."_

"_Take it today – my treat. I'll meet you outside. Twelve-thirty sound alright?"_

"_Yeah, sure."_

That was the conversation that had taken place just before Ichigo left for work. Since he'd gotten a night's sleep, some food in him, and hadn't thrown up or had any flashbacks, Renji couldn't keep him from going. It wasn't like it was such a bad thing, though. As long as Ichigo was there, Renji didn't have to worry about him as he popped by Urahara's again.

"You any expert on mental illnesses?" Renji asked rather bluntly as the blond man rifled through the money.

Urahara eyed him from under his hat. "Maaaaayyybe. Why?"

"It's Ichigo."

"Ah. Isn't it always," he teased. "I'm assuming you've noticed by now what kind of shape he's in," he added a bit more seriously.

"It's not just shell shock. Normal shell shock doesn't include memory loss or jumpin' like a scared bunny at every unexpected touch."

"Post-traumatic stress reaction," Urahara said plainly. "It's evolved – or devolved – from shell shock. Includes nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, emotional detachment, clinical depression, memory loss, irritation, hypervigilance, excessive startle response, and loss of appetite."

Renji stared at him. "If you knew, why didn't you say anything?!"

"First of all, you needed to figure it out for yourself, otherwise everything I just said would be nothing but gibberish. Second, I did say something – I tipped you off, didn't I?"

"That hardly counts. You could've done something to help, you know."

"Which brings us to my third point: I'd love to help Kurosaki-san, but I'm not exactly the kind of person he'd accept help from. Nor am I really in any condition to offer sympathy. _You_, on the other hand, are just the man for the job."

"What's that suppos'ta mean?"

"You're almost exactly like him – you can figure out how to get things working right in his head again." He gave the money to Renji. "You've got him eating again, haven't you?"

"As long as I stay away from burning toast, yeah," he said, pocketing the money.

"It's a trigger, then?"

"He gets a flashback from the district that burned down and throws up when he comes to."

Urahara sighed. "That's a relatively tame one compared to everything else he's been through…"

"Yeah, I know. He was getting flashbacks and nightmares about Shibata Yuuichi, too – I think I've managed to get him over that one since it's a pretty common issue."

"Find more triggers."

"What?"

"For his memory loss – that's the biggest problem we're dealing with here. Find the things that trigger those memories. Hopefully at least one of them will shock his brain into releasing his memories to him. After that, he's going to get worse before he gets better. As long as you're here, though, he should be fine."

"I've only got a week here. We're swamped with paperwork and all sorts of things. This was the earliest I could get off and they're only allowing me to stay for a week unless a major assignment comes up."

Urahara seemed to contemplate this for a moment. "I think saving Soul Society's greatest hero from himself counts as an assignment."

* * *

Renji waited outside the boring-looking building, constantly checking his watch (okay, it was Ichigo's watch, but since it was lying around, it fell into Renji's possession). He was five minutes early, but he'd already scouted out the nearby restaurants and eateries, and now he had nothing to do. So he waited. But not for long. 

"You're early," Ichigo said, coming out of the building.

"So're you," Renji retorted. "You doin' okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Where are we gonna go eat?"

"Mmm… There's a pizza place that smelled really good, and there were tables outside. Sound good?"

Ichigo shrugged. "Sure."

They took off walking towards the pizza place.

"So what kinda work you do in there?" Renji asked. "Seemed pretty boring."

"It _is_ boring. I do data entry."

"Sounds like paperwork…"

"I sit in front of a computer for eight hours, repetitively entering in numbers into a database. I'd almost rather work with paper – it wouldn't give me such a damn headache."

"If you hate it so much, why don't you get a different job?"

"It's not that easy. Thanks to the war, I still have two years of school I need to finish before anybody will look at hiring me for a job with a pay higher than minimum wage. My only real options are boring shit like what I'm doing or working at some fast food place, and I'm not exactly the people-friendly kinda person, if you haven't noticed."

"Well that kinda sucks…"

"You're tellin' me… Is this the place?"

"Yep!"

After they ordered their pizza, they waited at one of the tables in the patio.

"I talked to Urahara again," Renji said, trying to be off-hand about it.

"'Bout what?"

"You. What you're going through. He actually had an answer for me, which is surprising."

"Let me guess – you can't tell me?"

"I could, but you'd just deny it."

"Tell me anyway."

Renji sighed. "It's an extreme form of shell shock. Post-traumatic stress reaction."

Ichigo looked at him, frowning. "It…sounds so tame like that."

"Not the way he said it. He listed off the symptoms, and you're showing every single one of them."

The boy suddenly seemed very preoccupied with the pattern of the table top for a long minute. "Is…there any way to cure it?"

"Urahara said to deal with the memory loss first, then we could move on from there. But that's your biggest problem right now."

"How…"

"Let's eat first," Renji said, nodding his head to the arriving pizza.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Ichigo nibbled away at his piece, lost in his thoughts. Renji watched him as he ate his own piece, making sure the food was at least disappearing, even if at a painfully slow pace.

"_Ichigo, let me talk with him. Tell him I can help."_

Ichigo looked up at Renji. "Shirosaki wants to talk to you."

Renji blinked at him. "Why?"

"He says he can help."

"How?"

The boy sighed. "Hold on – you can talk to him yourself…" he said, closing his eyes.

"You're letting him take over?"

"It's not like that – my body can act as a transmitter for him."

Renji watched him, not exactly trusting this method.

Ichigo's eyes slowly opened again, though his irises were a yellow-gold instead of deep brown. "You need this to happen as fast as possible, right?" The voice was Ichigo's, but with a very different attitude that Renji couldn't quite place.

"That would be the ideal pace, yeah."

Shirosaki smirked. "Normally memory loss for this long would be virtually irreparable. But what's traumatic to the will isn't traumatic to the instinct. As Ichigo's embodiment of his instinct, I still have every memory he doesn't, but even if I just told him or showed him, he wouldn't be able to see or hear it. His consciousness won't allow him to. It's protecting him from the pain, and I don't blame it. As soon as he gets those memories back, there's gonna be a serious storm in his inner world and I'm not gonna be a happy camper."

"Get to the point – what can you do to help?"

"You don't need to know what I'm going to do – you just need to get him sedated and under your control. As soon as I start, he's going to…get a little wild. It's your job to keep him from hurting himself."

"Any suggestions on how to sedate him?"

He smirked again. "Getting a few drinks in him should do the trick."

"One more question."

"Yeeeees?"

"Is Ichigo hearing everything?"

A rather evil grin. "Iye. And he's pretty pissed about it, too."

Renji smirked. "Alright. Is that all?"

"Don't hurt him – only I have the privilege of fucking with his head." With that, he closed his eyes.

Seconds later, Ichigo's eyes opened, back to brown. "Did that help?"

Renji nodded with a reassuring smile. "We'll get you through this, I promise."

Ichigo nodded slowly, understanding. "A—"

"Don't," Renji cut him off. "I don't want you to thank me. I'm only doing what any good friend would do."

A small smile played on the boy's lips. "Fine. But I don't think I wanna go back to work. Letting Shirosaki have control is a bit draining."

"What do you want to do, then?"

"Whatever you and Shirosaki have planned. I'm willing to go through with it, so what we do is up to you."

"You might wanna call in sick for the rest of today and tomorrow, then. I don't think you'll be in any condition to work for at least that long."

He nodded and dug out his phone.

* * *

"Why Urahara's?" Ichigo asked as they jumped along the rooftops in their shinigami forms. They had gone back to Ichigo's apartment and left their corporeal forms there. 

"The underground training area is the only place we're allowed to lift the limit."

"How'd that get authorized?"

"Very carefully. It's not in name, but we were able to get a new law in place allowing the lifting of the limit in a place under very specific conditions – conditions that only his training ground has."

"Wait – I'm fighting you at a hundred percent?"

"That's right."

"Is that…necessary?"

"As far as you know, yes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Renji didn't answer as they moved to the streets and ended up at Urahara's shop. Several minutes later, they were fighting head to head.

* * *

"_We'll be out of the house until tomorrow evening. Make sure to lock up after you come inside. And try not to destroy anything outside of the underground training room."_

"_One more question…"_

"_You know where the liquor cabinet is. All I ask is that you at least restock a few bottles or so."_

"_Right. Thanks, Urahara."_

* * *

It had taken several hours, but they were both finally exhausted. Renji helped Ichigo back upstairs to the guest bedroom, which was empty save for the futon in the corner, a small table, and a few pillows. 

"At least you didn't bring up anything this time," Ichigo said with a slight groan as he accepted the sake bottle from Renji. "Fucking hell… Haven't done that in a while…"

"You're still not at your best, though," Renji pointed out, taking a drink from his own bottle.

"What do you expect?" the boy snapped before taking a swig of his sake.

"Actually, you were a bit better than I expected. You're recovering okay – physically at least. Eating something other than noodles and Cheerios is helping."

"Yeah. I just wish I could say I'm feeling better. I still feel like shit."

"That's to be expected. You won't get over that for quite a while."

"That's reassuring."

"I'm not trying to be reassuring. I'm trying to let you know what to expect."

"And yet… you can't tell me what you and Shirosaki have planned."

"Well, no, but that's only because telling you would ruin everything."

"Even though I'm perfectly willing to go through with anything?"

"Just shut up and drink…"

* * *

_Renji wandered over to Matsumoto's house, tracing Ichigo's reiatsu there. The red-haired man had been in the infirmary for the past few hours and still wasn't quite recovered. Ichigo would have stayed but Unohana showed him the door, saying that his agitated reiatsu wasn't something the recovering shinigami needed to feel. No doubt Ikkaku and Iba had shown him the way to the land of oblivion once again…_

"_Renji!"_

_The man looked down to find Ichigo sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, a nearly empty bottle in his lap. "Shitfaced again?" he asked with a smirk._

"_I'm not _that _drunk," Ichigo replied, a childishly indignant pout on his face._

"_Well, you connecting 'shitfaced' to mean 'drunk' is a good sign," he teased, sitting down next to him._

_Ichigo watched him, a stupid smile on his face. "Did Kaa-chan-taichou fix you up all better again?"_

"_Yep." Renji took the bottle from Ichigo's lap, only to have the boy grab for it rather ineffectively. He teased him with it for a moment before Ichigo lost his balance and toppled into Renji's lap._

"_Teme…" Ichigo whined._

"_No more. Go to sleep – you're gonna have a nasty hangover anyway," he said, softly petting him._

_Ichigo's eyes drifted closed. "That was only my first one, though…"_

* * *

Ichigo's tolerance had increased as the war dragged on. At this point, he could get through two bottles before he started babbling stupidly – which was exactly the point they were at when Ichigo somehow ended up in Renji's lap, leaning back against him as the older man's arms were wrapped around him. 

"You're comfy…" Ichigo murmured.

Renji gave a small smile. "Don't worry, this'll be over soon," he said softly.

Ichigo attempted to look up at him, dazed and confused. Then suddenly, his eyes went wide before shutting tightly. "Oh God… Oh God, Renji, make it stop – make him stop!"

The man sighed, tightening his embrace, keeping his arms down. "I'm sorry, Ichigo…"

The boy bit his lip hard enough to draw blood, whimpering as tears streaked down his face. "This can't be real…!" he choked out. "It's not real!! Cut it out—CUT IT OUT!!"

Renji grimaced – the pure pain in Ichigo's voice was almost enough for him to yell for Shirosaki to stop. But he couldn't – it would do more harm than good – so he held his hand over Ichigo's mouth as the boy screamed.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: The Rasmus "Madness"

* * *

Vocabulary... 

Kaa-chan-taichou: "Captain Mommy"

* * *

Words: 2279  
Total: 13315 


	7. Butterfly

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Angst, Trauma, Dead People  
**Note** : Although nobody's mentioned by name _yet_, you will know those that have been killed off  
**Dedication** : To the show _24_ and its lovely influence on this fic. We were going through a _24_ marathon of seasons 1 thru 5 when I was writing these chapters. If you watch the show, you probably have some idea of what it's made me do XD;;

* * *

Candy Cane : 7 : Butterfly

* * *

_ Butterfly - open your mind, open your eyes. Prepare your senses as the sound excels, the next generation of angst unveiled, and spreads like cancer through these jaded cells. Infect me, let me crash and bleed. I can feel the sickness flowing through my veins, down my system and attack the seed. Now you can have my pleasure if you'll take my pain. Lifeless eyes, can you see through the plastic? Like fucking myself when my hands are cold. Dedication's never been the problem, but you say the words and I'm hard as stone. Now I see the clock reverse, don't you know? The pain gets worst the further back you go. Your own regret's gonna swallow you whole. Now brace yourself, come on, brace yourself!_

* * *

The process took maybe five minutes – the longest five minutes of Renji's life. When Ichigo had subsided into nothing but tears, Renji took his hand away, letting him breath. Ichigo shifted and buried his face into Renji's robes. 

"Wh-what…am I…" Ichigo tried to choke out, his voice hoarse and strained.

"Don't talk right now," Renji said softly before pressing his lips to the top of Ichigo's head.

The boy simply burst into tears again.

His crying lasted for the better part of an hour before he passed out. Renji gathered him up and laid him on the futon before laying down with him, holding him close for the third night in a row.

* * *

He was running through the barren landscape again. The dead shinigami weren't faceless anymore – he could see them clearly. He could say their names. With every face he encountered, he could only run faster. But it wasn't fast enough – it wasn't fast enough to escape seeing their faces. And each new face was more painful for him than the last. 

Finally, at the last dead shinigami, he collapsed to his knees, crying helplessly.

"What am I gonna do? They're all…gone… What the hell am I gonna do?!"

Strong arms wrapped around him but he didn't jump in surprise. He knew who it was.

"What…am I supposed to do, Renji?" he asked softly before tears overtook him again.

"Ichii… Ichigo, wake up," Renji said softly in his ear.

Ichigo's eyes slid open, his vision blurred by tears. "Ren…ji…"

"Calm down – you're dehydrated," he said, letting him go to get up.

Ichigo turned and grabbed his wrist. "Where're you going?"

"To get you some water and something to eat."

"Don't…"

"Ichii, I'll be right back. You need to drink something besides sake, and you look like crap."

He slowly let his wrist go and settled back down. "Alright…"

Renji got up and left the room. He came back half a minute later with a bottle of water and a chocolate bar. Ichigo hadn't moved.

"Come on, sit up," Renji said, tapping his back with the bottle.

Ichigo silently obeyed and took the bottle from him. He drank half of it in one go.

"You feeling any better?"

"I feel…empty. And sick."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better."

"How can it get worse than this?"

"The nightmares, the flashbacks – everything's going to get worse."

He closed his eyes and nodded slowly.

Renji set the chocolate on the boy's leg. "Eat."

Ichigo opened his eyes and looked at it before smiling slightly. "Thanks…" he said, opening it. He ate a piece and offered some to Renji. "You don't look so hot, either."

Renji smirked and took some. "I'm sorry we had to do this to you…"

"No… I'm glad. It'll get better, right? I'll be fine…"

"Eventually, yeah. You should be."

"Should be?"

"War changes people, Ichii. You're not gonna be completely the same."

"I don't care about being the same – I know I'm not going to be. That's just…not possible. I just… I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't…want to feel empty."

Renji gave him a small smile and gently ruffled his hair. "Hopefully we'll fix that…"

Ichigo looked into his eyes for a long moment before moving forward and pressing his lips against Renji's. The redhead's eyes widened a bit in surprise and he pulled back gently, placing a finger against Ichigo's lips. "Ichigo…"

"Renji, please…" he pleaded, his brown eyes filled with pain and fear – a desperation entitled to the lost and broken.

"No," he said gently but firmly. "I can't let you do something you might regret."

Anger and indignation found their way into his eyes. "What the hell, Renji?! You can do whatever the fuck you want with me, but I'm not allowed to do shit on my own?!"

"I didn't mean—" He stopped and shook his head. "You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that before, but this is different. I know what you think you want, and hell, if you weren't my friend, I'd give it to you. But the fact is you _are_ my friend – my best friend – and I can't—I _won't_ hurt you like that. It'd be really fucked up if I took advantage of you, even if you say you don't care or that you want me to. You're in a world of pain and you're looking for a distraction to make it go away, but what you're trying to get from me will only make it worse."

"What if it doesn't?" Ichigo's voice was soft and timid – a sound rather foreign to both of them. He wasn't looking at Renji anymore, and the anger and indignation had faded, leaving him looking lost and scared. "What if…it does make it better?"

"It's that 'what if' that's why we shouldn't try. There's no reason to push that boundary."

Ichigo sighed and shifted to lean against the man. He was starting to understand where Renji was coming from, and what his hopelessness was trying to drive him to do. He was right – this wasn't right. No matter how much he thought he wanted it, he didn't need it. He needed a friend, and that's what Renji was trying to be. "Sorry…" he said softly.

"It's not your fault," Renji said, wrapping his arm around him and nuzzling the orange hair. "It's just a mistake we all want to make, but it's not something you need to deal with right now."

"I still don't know what to do…"

"Right now, you just have to do what I told you before – go with it. Go with everything. Cry, scream, laugh – do whatever. Just don't try to fight it or hide it or make it go away, because you'll just end up doing something stupid and making it worse."

He nodded slowly, recalling what Shirosaki had said before. "Things aren't going to go away if I suppress them, ignore them, or pretend they aren't real," he recited softly. "He's right…I _am_ stupid."

Renji got the gist of who Ichigo was talking about. "You're not stupid, you're just young."

"I'm almost nineteen," he tried to argue, but he was getting drowsy again.

"Compared to the rest of us, you're still a baby," Renji chided softly.

He gave a short laugh. "The baby war vet, huh?" He winced, his head starting to pound.

Renji caught the small movement and shifted back, letting Ichigo lay across his lap. He ran his fingers through the orange hair, gently massaging his scalp. "Yeah, the baby war vet," he echoed with a soft smile.

Ichigo relaxed against him and let his eyes slip closed. "Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly before allowing sleep to overtake him.

Renji allowed himself a genuine smile. "Yeah, I'm glad I'm here, too," he agreed, just as quiet.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Reveille "Butterfly" 

(Note: Unlike most songs I've used, this one I don't recommend listening to unless you like screamo. I'm only using it because the lyrics fit, but it's not a lovely song – IMO, of course. No offense to anybody who actually likes the song. And I have nothing against the band, but a better song of theirs is "What You Got" XD)

* * *

Words: 1153  
Total: 14468 


	8. 100K

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : More Dead People, Angst, Rain, and apparently a Roller-Coaster Ride XD  
**Notes** : This is the longest single-scene chapter I've written so far :P  
**Dedication** : To ShizukaShadow for highlighting ambiguities caused by my pronoun usage (OMFG - I have a flaw?! XD) Also, to the rain. Because this pathetic corner of the US just doesn't get much...

* * *

Candy Cane : 8 : 100k

* * *

_ Are you okay? Are you all right? Another bad dream kept you up all night. You've ground your teeth down to the gums. Your eyes are bloodshot from staring at the sun. You say you're okay, you're keeping the pace. But the damage done is written all over your face. Given the chance I'd rather rot in hell, than see you fade selling the lies they tell. We'll burn the house down and break the spell this time. It's time._

* * *

When Renji stirred awake, the funny feeling in his legs reminded him of the position he was in when he fell asleep. He bolted upright upon realizing that the boy who'd fallen asleep on those legs was now nowhere to be seen. Quickly, he searched for Ichigo's reiatsu and breathed a sigh of relief when he found him just outside on the back patio, nothing abnormal. Only then did his senses allow him to register that it was raining outside. 

_Idiot's gonna catch a cold…_ He got to his feet and followed the reiatsu trace outside. Ichigo was leaning against the porch, out from under the eves, barefoot and shirtless, allowing himself to get soaked in the summer storm.

"How long you planning on staying out here?" Renji asked, leaning against the doorframe. Even if it was a stupid idea on Ichigo's part, it was still better than some of his other, stupider ideas.

"Don't know," Ichigo replied, turning his face up to the sky, eyes closed. "For some reason…when it's raining outside, my inner world never rains. It can darken and cloud up, but it won't rain. Not as long as I'm out in the outside rain."

"So that's why you're out here?"

He turned around and faced Renji, running a hand through his hair, shaking it free of excess water for the moment and getting it out of his eyes. "Pretty much. It calms me down."

"Is that why you did the cutting in your shower?" He hated to bring it up, but he couldn't just let that go unexplained, otherwise Ichigo might try it again.

He nodded, then smirked. "Funny enough, this alone does the same thing that did. Calms me down and gets me soaked."

"And risks you catching a cold."

He chuckled. "Not if I get dried off and warmed up. My body's used to this treatment."

"So… Do you still feel numb?"

Ichigo nodded solemnly. "It reminds me…of when my mother died. I felt numb then, too."

"Do you blame yourself?"

A wry smirk. "You know me, Renji. I've gotta blame myself for everything."

He smirked back. "Yeah, that's true. But you can deal with that, right?"

"I think so. As long as you're here, I think so."

"I can't stay here forever, Ichii. I wish I could—Lord knows I wish I could, but I can't."

"I know that." He sighed and thought for a moment before meeting Renji's eyes again. "Who's the sixth's captain now?"

"Me – or at least it will be."

A solemn nod. He had to close his eyes as a fresh memory flickered through his thoughts, all too vivid. "The third?"

"Still open – Kira won't take the seat, not even temporarily."

Ichigo was able to open his eyes again, his thoughts in kinder territory. "The fifth?"

"For now, Warai – remember her?"

"The bitch with the pole-axe, right?"

"Yep."

"Ah… The ninth?"

"Shuuhei."

"Who's his vice captain?"

"Yumichika, actually. Good thing, too – the eleventh was about to tear him to bits once they found out about his zanpakutou," he added with a chuckle.

Ichigo snorted in laughter. "Where'd Ikkaku end up?"

"Stubborn idiot won't give up his third seat. He could've been the fifth's captain."

"Hanatarou?"

"Fourth's vice captain."

"Ganju?"

"Making nice in the eleventh."

Another chuckle. "Still?"

"Still – the guy's more stubborn than you."

"Aye, I can agree with that. So the third division is still the only one without a captain?"

Renji nodded. He knew what Ichigo was trying to get at. "They'll take you, Ichii – they'll gladly take you."

Ichigo nodded as well, looking away again. "I know… But… What about here?" He sighed and sat down on the patio.

Renji sat beside him, cross-legged so his pants wouldn't get soaked. "That's your choice."

A rueful chuckle. "It's not much of one," he said sadly. "Tatsuki, Orihime, Ishida, Keigo, Mizuiro, Sado…" He sighed. Renji could tell he was on the edge of breaking again. "Besides that… I have two years of high school I need to complete that I have no desire or will to. I have a shitty job and a shitty apartment and…a pretty shitty life here. I'm a lonely, miserable outcast… I have little to no desire to be human, really – I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't feel like going back into my body. I just felt…angry and helpless at the idea. I _like_ being a shinigami – I like being in this form." Another sigh and he looked at Renji. "Ironic – I have to be dead in order to feel alive."

"That's not all that hard to believe. You've maxed out your spirit form numerous times – you know what you're capable of even on a normal scale. In your human body, you're hindered, and you can't even reach that normalcy. It's the same for us with the limit and the gigai – we're at twenty percent anyway, and on top of that, we're confined to a corporeal body."

"You don't like coming here, do you?"

"Just when it involves the gigai. But it's part of my job, and I like my job. A lot."

Ichigo fell silent in thought for a long moment as they stared out into the pouring rain, the grey sky occasionally lit up by distant lightning. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, hesitant. "Is it horrible of me…if I want to leave this world?"

Renji watched him, not sure how to answer. Even if almost everybody from this world Ichigo had gotten involved in this was now dead, he still had his family. He still had his nutty father and his baby sisters to live for. Was it really all that horrible, though, that he had the desire to feel alive again? That he had the drive to do what he wanted? The only thing remotely "horrible" about it, though, was where this desire had to take him in order to be fulfilled. For all technicalities, Ichigo had to die in order for him to do this. "You won't be _leaving_ it – not like that. You still have the ability and the reason to come back and visit. It's just like living somewhere else – overseas or something."

"You make it sound so simple…"

"Not everything is as complicated as you like to think it is."

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "I wish…" he said.

"Really, Ichigo, life is not that complicated. It _shouldn't_ be that complicated."

"Maybe not for you," he retorted stubbornly.

Renji smacked him upside the head. "It should be even _less_ complicated for a baby like you," he snapped.

Ichigo glared at him. "My life isn't easy, you know."

"I know that – I never said life should be easy, I just said it shouldn't be complicated. You should be able to do what you want – that's the simplicity. Follow your heart, live how you want. But it's never easy. If following your heart was easy, more people would be doing it," he pointed out.

This made Ichigo laugh a bit.

"And you," Renji continued, "you've got a real bad habit of doing things the hard way."

The boy fell silent, his eyes half-lidded, staring at the ground, completely drenched in rainwater.

Renji watched him, resisting the urge to hug and coddle him like a kicked and abandoned puppy – which was exactly what he resembled at the moment. Alas, the longer the rainwater ran down Ichigo's face, the thinner and thinner Renji's will was stretched until finally, he had to tear his eyes away from him, shutting them tight as he shook his head vigorously. "Cut it out, berry-brains," he growled not unkindly.

Ichigo snapped out of his own thoughts and looked over at Renji, puzzled.

Renji lifted his head, but he kept his eyes blatantly averted. "You're a tough kid. You've always been a tough kid. I've seen you in plenty of states, but you've always stayed tough. So I could stand it when you were feeling like shit. But I can't stand this—I can't stand seeing you looking like you don't know what to do. If you don't gain some sort of resolve, I'm either gonna lock you out here until you do, or I'm gonna…" He trailed off, shaking his head and hiding a smirk. "Nevermind. I'm just gonna lock you out here."

Ichigo's puzzlement turned into skepticism. "What else did you have in mind?"

"Nothing – I couldn't think of anything," he admitted, smirking at him.

"You were thinking of something—I know you – I know that face."

"Trust me, you don't wanna know."

He scowled. "Pervert."

"Hey – you were the one trying to get in my pants just a few hours ago," he retorted.

Ichigo turned as red as his namesake and he looked the other way. "Can you forget about that? Please?"

"Hell no. I gotta have some sort of blackmail over you."

He turned back just enough to glare at him out of the corner of his eye. "Bastard."

"Brat."

"Pillow-biter."

"You wanna prove that?"

He threw a punch, only to have Renji catch him by the wrist. Ichigo stepped forward, pulling the redhead almost off the porch, making him let go. Renji looked at him for a moment before smirking. Ichigo had regained some of his composure (along with a little indignation) and wasn't looking quite so pitiful. The redhead decided he preferred this Ichigo to the abandoned puppy Ichigo.

"You're a real pain, you know that?" Ichigo snapped, shaking his hair free of water for the moment.

"You look better like that," he said, ignoring him.

Ichigo eyed him, half-confused, half-skeptical. "What do you mean?"

"When you're pissed – even if you're pissed at me. You look better like that than you do when you look lost. You look like you."

Ichigo let that sink in for a moment, then looked down at himself, smirking. "I look like a drowned rat," he said.

"Yeah, but a pissed drowned rat, not a pathetic drowned rat," Renji replied. "And can you come in out of the rain? You're makin' me cold just lookin' at ya."

"It's not that bad, actually."

"Are you just saying that 'cause you don't wanna come in?"

"Iye – here, come here," he said, holding out his hand.

Renji looked at it for a moment before taking his hand, allowing himself to be pulled onto his bare feet in the rain. The cool water combined with the warm summer air actually did make the experience rather enjoyable, and he didn't stop himself from smiling. "Heh, it is kinda nice out here…"

"It's…" Ichigo let go of his hand and looked down at the ground. "You mind if I tell you something incredibly dorky?" he asked, glancing up at him.

"If you wanna say it, I'll listen."

The corners of his lips twitched, betraying a smile. "The rain…has emotions. Like the rain in my inner world – it can be cold and sharp, like tiny icicles. Sometimes it's just a drizzle. Other times it's icy, fat drops. It's different, depending on what kind of shitty I feel. It's never warm, though – it's never like this. Warm, soft rain in fat drops – I can't associate it with any kind of shitty feeling I could get into. It…makes me happy. It's comforting." By the time he was done explaining, his ears and cheeks had taken on a pink hue.

Renji lifted his head up, facing the sky with his eyes closed. The rain really did feel comforting.

"Pretty stupid, huh?" Ichigo said, breaking the silence.

"It's not stupid – not at all," Renji replied softly, facing him again with a smile. "A little dorky, yeah, but it's not stupid."

"You're just saying that so I don't kick your ass…"

"If I wanted to lie, it'd be because I don't want you to break down again. I could care less about you attempting to beat me up."

Ichigo glared with a smirk before throwing another punch at him, which was caught again, and used his free hand to shove against Renji's shoulder, using the momentum to slam the redhead backwards into a post supporting the roof over the porch.

Renji winced, though the pain wasn't so much of a problem as the surprise was. He managed an approving smirk. "See? You beat me up anyway, no matter what I say."

"Because you're noisy," Ichigo retorted. He hadn't lifted pressure off of his friend's shoulder, nor had Renji loosened his grip on the other's wrist.

"I'll bet you are, too," Renji countered, a playful glint in his eyes.

It took a second for the implication to register, and when it did, Ichigo scowled and punched him in the shoulder with his free hand before shifting back, at which time Renji let him go, laughing. "Will you stop saying shit like that? _You_'re the gay one here!"

"Just me? How so?" He was still in a humorous mood, wildly amused by his friend's embarrassment.

"_You_ said that if I wasn't your friend, you'd give me what I was asking for!"

"_You_ were the one asking for it."

"So you're just a whore."

"What?!" He hadn't been expecting that. If it wasn't for the underlying torment in Ichigo's eyes, Renji would've gladly played around with that. "Where did you get that stupid idea?"

"You said… 'I know what you think you want, and if you weren't my friend, I'd give it to you.' So you'll just fuck anybody that asks?"

"Wha…? Oh – oh god." He smacked his palm against his forehead. "That really isn't what I was trying to say, idiot."

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"I screwed up, okay? I'm not a fucking poet or anything!"

"So what were you trying to say?"

"I was _trying_ to say…" He stopped. What _was_ he trying to say? He frowned as he tried to find a way around his little slip, only to find that there was none if he kept the subject on himself. "Look – why do you even care? It's _my_ private life."

"You're the one who kissed me first!"

"I already apologized for that! And again, why do you even care?!"

"I don't!"

"Then either shut up about it or I'm gonna start thinkin' you're jealous!"

Instead of replying, Ichigo swung his fist for Renji's cheek.

The redhead let him connect this time, and ended up with his head down, a little bit of blood dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. "Yeah, okay…" he said softly, wiping the blood away with the back of his hand. "If you're trying to make me think you really don't care, you're not doing a very good job."

"I don't. You're just…extremely annoying."

"I'm only annoying to you because I'm _right_."

"So what if you are? Maybe I am jealous, or _maybe_ I'm just disgusted that I _thought_ you were a pretty decent guy, only to find out you'd fuck anybody for free!"

Despite himself, Renji laughed. "You're getting _that_ just from a little screw-up?" He looked up at him. "I don't just fuck _anybody_, and it's hardly for free."

"So you're admitting you _are_ a whore."

He shook his head. "I wish – I would've at least made some money that way," he muttered, turning around to go inside. He had no desire to inform the boy of that part of his life – he barely acknowledged it himself.

Ichigo stood puzzled for a moment. He could've sworn Renji's voice held hints of regret and embarrassment – but this was _Renji_. It suddenly occurred to him that whether or not his accusations were right, he had obviously brought something up that really _was_ a part of Renji's past – something Ichigo really had no business prying into. "Renji—wait," he said, grabbing for the man's arm only to catch a fistful of his sleeve. Renji stopped on the porch but didn't turn around or acknowledge him. "I'm sorry. That was…really stupid…"

"Forget about it, Ichigo," Renji replied, his voice flat and cold.

Ichigo frowned and stepped closer to rest his forehead against Renji's back. "I will. If you want me to, I will."

Surprised at the boy's tone, Renji looked over his shoulder at him. After a moment, he sighed and faced forward again. "Let go," he said finally, stepping away.

Ichigo looked up again, tightening his grip on Renji's sleeve. "Renji…"

"What do you want me to say?" he snapped.

He nearly shattered and had to take a moment to steady himself before he stepped back, pulling Renji around and off the porch, back into the rain. Renji had just enough time to steady himself on his feet before Ichigo's trembling hands fisted the front of his robes and pulled him close, crushing their mouths together.

Renji's eyes went wide – not because of the kiss itself, but because Ichigo was shaking, and it wasn't because he was cold. He was shaking out of a different sort of fear that echoed in his reiatsu as well. Different because it wasn't the fear of his own memories that made him seek a distraction; it was the fear of facing something wholly unknown to him. And for all the world, Renji just wanted to make that fear go away, never to return. So he returned the kiss, gently wrapping his arms around him.

When they broke apart, Ichigo rested his head on Renji's shoulder. "I really am sorry about calling you a whore…" he said softly.

"I know."

"And I'm kinda cold now…" he mumbled.

Renji chuckled. He could feel the boy's intermittent, suppressed shivers. "Yeah, I could go for a hot shower right now."

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: The Loved Ones "100k" 

I had the hardest time trying to find a good song to match this chapter ›.‹ But this one actually fits alright. It's more along the lines of this story's theme song "Candy Cane" (same band) where it kind of encompasses the whole story more than just the chapter itself, but with the new flood of memories, Ichigo really is back at square one - where the story started (kinda - Ichigo was like at square...negative three...).

Anywho! Hope you guys pick up on hints through the shininess that is Renji and shirtless!Ichigo kissing in the pouring rain XD (I wish I was Ichigo...lucky bastard XD)

* * *

Words: 2955  
Total: 17423

* * *

Extra Note: If you're really curious as to who's alive and who's dead, all I can say is that those who have been mentioned so far (and that haven't been noted as being dead), are still alive. Those formerly in the positions being filled (aside from Gin's, Aizen's, and Tousen's old positions) are most likely dead (so don't ask me where Byakuya is or I'll beat you over the head with a frozen trout e.e). 

Also: Sorry - this would've been up sooner if FFN's email alerts had been working ›.› Blame them - I've been wanting to post this for a while.


	9. Violence

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Angst (why do I even bother saying that? XD), More Dead People  
**Notes** : In the last flashback, Shirosaki's name isn't used because he doesn't have that name at the time.  
**Dedication** : To ShizukaShadow - without her, you guys would be so damn confused XD This chapter went through two major revisions before we came up with this. And she's making me write down the plot! So, seriously, without her, this story would be lost. She's the one that's keeping this story in focus.

* * *

Candy Cane : 9 : Violence

* * *

_Like violence...you have me...forever...and after.  
Like violence...you kill me...forever...and after.  
_

* * *

After they had showered and let their clothes hang out to dry, they had dug up some spare pajamas and curled up on the futon again, Renji spooned snuggly around Ichigo, his arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. 

That had been an hour ago. Ichigo was sound asleep, but Renji was still awake, unable to rid his mind of memories he'd much rather forget.

* * *

_As soon as his last class let out, Renji said a quick goodbye to Kira and Hinamori, saying he needed to go study as his excuse for not hanging out with them._

_After dropping his extra things off at his dorm, he carried his homework with him to the sixth-rounders' dorms. The first time he had walked through these halls, he'd gotten a few odd looks, but now nobody paid any attention to him. He had a sixth-rounder tutor and that was all._

_The redhead opened the door without even knocking._

"_Goddamn, you're rude," Shuuhei snapped from his lazy position on his bed, referring to the absence of the obligatory knock at the door._

_Renji just chuckled, shutting the door behind him. "What does it matter?" he asked. This wasn't uncommon – Shuuhei always snapped about something regarding Renji's lack of respect as soon as he walked through the door._

"_I could've been getting a present ready for you," Shuuhei explained flippantly._

"_Yeah right – you know when my class lets out and how long it takes me to get over here," Renji replied, dumping his homework on Shuuhei's desk. "But am I supposed to assume you_ do _have a present for me?" he asked, walking over to the head of Shuuhei's bed and kneeling down._

_Shuuhei smirked up at him. "Later. Homework first."_

"_Well now you've got me all curious – I'll never be able to concentrate," Renji whined playfully._

_The onyx-haired man sighed and propped himself up on his elbows before meeting Renji's lips with his own in a quick kiss. "That's all you get until you prove you've gotten smarter."_

_Renji grinned._

_After they had gone over Renji's work and corrected his mistakes, Shuuhei finally decided Renji was actually learning, which was lucky because there was a knock at the door shortly after._

"_Door's open, Akon," Shuuhei called._

"_Sorry I'm a little later than you said," Akon replied, walking in. He was about as tall as Shuuhei with short black hair that spiked out from a lighting bolt part on the left side of his head. He had three small spikes on his forehead – two in a line down from the part, and one across from the bottom one. _

"_No big deal."_

"_So this is the brat?"_

_Renji went from warily eyeing the newcomer to glaring at Shuuhei._

_Shuuhei caught it, smirked, and undid Renji's hair-tie. "Hey – this is your present. Don't be getting' all pissy." The redhead cocked an eyebrow, making Shuuhei laugh. "Don't judge."_

"_Would it be easier for him if we turned off the lights?" Akon said dryly._

"_Nah – I've got a better idea," Shuuhei replied, grabbing a piece of cloth from a shelf. He folded it and blindfolded Renji. "You okay with this, Renji?"_

"_Maybe…"_

* * *

Renji sighed, gently nuzzling Ichigo's soft hair. Being Shuuhei's "pet" had started out in payment for the tutoring. It wasn't…a _horrible_ setup, really. They had both ended up being each other's distraction and sedative, and even Renji's initial misgivings about involving Shuuhei's friends had been forgotten quite easily. Shuuhei had been pretty good at keeping everything seemingly platonic in public, and Renji had no problem following suit, so when their relationship had faded and finally broke off eight years later, nobody was the wiser. 

_Gah – why the hell am I even thinking about that? This is completely different!_

"_Because it would upset him, which will upset you,"_ Zabimaru pointed out.

_Yeah… But he doesn't need to know. It's got nothing to do with anything and he certainly doesn't need that added to his instability._

"_You think he will just give it up? Boke – he's just as stubborn and thickheaded as you. He'll want to know, even if he doesn't want to know."_

_Honestly, that last sentence shouldn't have made any sense…_

"_You know what I mean, boke."_

_Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. But he really doesn't need to know. It seemed like he felt bad enough just for digging it up on accident… Besides, he has his own problems to deal with._

"_If you keep dwelling on this, though, it's going to affect how you treat him."_

His thoughts fell silent. Zabimaru was right – as long as the experience was in his mind unspoken, he was probably going to get awkward around Ichigo. He was somewhat afraid that he would act like Shuuhei had with him, but even more afraid that Ichigo would act like _he_ had with Shuuhei. A sort of pseudo-dependency – functioning fine alone, not needing anybody when nobody was there, but becoming desperately attached to the single person who decided to initiate a relationship, becoming willing to do anything and everything to stay together. As much as Renji loved the little idiot, he would kill himself if he turned the kid into what he had been.

_Should I tell him?_

"_Depends on what you think will hurt him worse – hearing about your past, or not knowing why you're acting funny?"_

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the back of Ichigo's head. He honestly didn't know what would be worse for Ichigo alone, but when it came to their relationship… _It's better if he knows now – he doesn't have any commitment. He can back out of it._

"_Are you willing to let him go?"_

He shifted his head up again and pressed his lips gently against Ichigo's head. _Probably not. But this is his choice. It _has _to be his choice._

With that conviction firm in his mind, Zabimaru quieted. Finally, Renji was able to close his eyes and let sleep overtake him.

* * *

Ichigo woke up to the sound of birds chirping loudly outside the window. He silently wished for a shotgun as he groaned softly, burying his face into the pillow. As much as he hated the annoyingly cheery awakening, he was pleasantly reminded of the warm body whose possessive embrace pulled him closer just slightly, and he couldn't and didn't even want to hold back the smile. 

_This is…a good thing. This is a really good thing._ His thoughts not giving him any opposition, his smile widened. It had been far too long since he was able to say that without doubting it. He just needed one more source of approval from himself… He closed his eyes again and slipped into his inner world.

The sideways city of his world was amazingly sunny. "Shirosaki," he said, knowing that wherever the Hollow was, he'd hear him.

"I don't know what's worse – the emo rain, or this fucking chick-flick of fluffy happiness," Shirosaki snapped from behind him.

Ichigo turned around to find the white spirit leaning lazily against a ledge. "What – no 'I was right'?" Ichigo said with a smirk.

The Hollow snorted. "There's plenty of time for that later. Say what you want to say – your boyfriend's gonna wake up soon."

Ichigo blinked at him, a bit surprised. "Why do you care?"

Shirosaki rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you? By proxy, your pains and your pleasures are my pains and my pleasures. Renji's definitely your pleasure – this is the happiest this world's ever been. So, yeah, I care that you're happy because that means I don't get drenched. And who knows? Maybe if things stay like this for long enough, I'll get a tan!" he added, sticking his blue tongue out with a grin.

The boy chuckled and walked over to lean against the ledge next to him. "You're jealous," he stated softly.

Shirosaki sighed, glaring slightly at the ground. "Damn, I'm getting as transparent as you," he deadpanned

"Why?" Ichigo asked, ignoring the pseudo-insult.

"I've spent all this time tryin' to keep you sane, and then that jerk comes along and knocks you on yer ass and you…you go and do this," he waved his hand toward the sky.

Ichigo watched him for a moment. The Hollow had been his only source of stability, but he was hardly any source of the kind of comfort Ichigo had needed. Shirosaki was still Ichigo, leaving anything between them just as empty is if it were only Ichigo alone. Renji, though… "Renji is something you aren't, Shirosaki. He's the one thing you cannot physically be."

"I know that," the Hollow snapped. Then he closed his eyes, tilted his head up to the sky with a slight sigh, and then slowly opened them again. Wisps of grey clouds were beginning to form. "Go back to him, Ichigo. As much as I hate it, you're his now, and as long as it's not him who's making this world rain, I can deal. The first time he hurts you, though, I'm personally kicking his ass."

"He won't hurt me," Ichigo stated pointedly.

Shirosaki snorted softly and looked in the opposite direction. "You're just looking for approval – you have it. I can't do anything about it."

"That's not approval – that's acceptance."

"You won't get much more out of me. Git goin' – he's waking up."

"I won't try to ignore you this time, I promise," Ichigo said softly before disappearing back into his body.

The spirit snorted softly. "_I'm holding you to that, but it's _him _who'll pay."_

Ichigo allowed his eyes to open with a soft sigh. The tension between him and his darker side ruined his good mood.

"Ichii?"

"Hn…?"

Renji hesitated before nuzzling at Ichigo's hair a bit. "You hungry?"

The boy closed his eyes and pressed himself against Renji. "Not if it means you're getting up," he muttered.

The redhead chuckled. "We gotta move sometime, idiot. And since I'm starving, I gotta assume you're at least a _little_ hungry."

Ichigo didn't reply, but his stomach growled loudly. After a pause in which Ichigo could figure out what Renji was going to say, he snapped, "Shut up."

Renji laughed outright and separated himself from the boy. "Lemme go see what Urahara has in stock and I'll give you choices, 'kay?" he said as he stood up.

"Nngh…" was Ichigo's articulate reply as he rolled over into the warm space Renji had occupied. "Wait," he said, tugging at Renji's sleeve.

"Hm?"

The boy let go, propping himself up on his elbow, and motioned for him to come closer. Renji bent down and when he was close enough, Ichigo slipped his hand behind Renji's head and pulled him into a kiss. "Mornin'," he mumbled happily against his lips.

Renji closed his eyes and sank to his knees, his arms crossed on the futon. "Dammit…" he muttered.

Ichigo would've let it go as a joke or something, but Renji wasn't smiling. "What's wrong…?" he asked. "Did I do something wrong?"

This brought a small smirk to Renji's lips. "No, it's not you… I was gonna tell you anyway, over breakfast, but I guess…I'll just tell you now."

"Tell me what?"

"About…earlier. What I was trying to say—"

"Renji—Don't. I feel bad enough about it. It's your past. It's none of my business."

Renji smiled. The kid could still surprise him. "You're an idiot…" he murmured affectionately.

"I know…" Ichigo replied softly.

The redhead studied him curiously for a moment. "What's with that face?" he asked, running his hand through Ichigo's hair.

Ichigo closed his eyes and tilted his head into Renji's hand. "It's nothing. I promise, it's nothing," he added, trying to sound sincere. His gloomy mood was only the result of something he really didn't want to talk about.

"You really suck at lying, you know that?"

He had to smirk. He opened his eyes a bit and glanced at Renji before he dropped his gaze. "You really don't need to know – it's got nothing to do with the war or my memories."

"Please don't think those are the only things I wanna know about, Ichigo…"

"'Want to.' I said 'need to.'"

"You're arguing semantics." Renji sighed and pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the futon. "Seriously, Ichii – what's wrong?"

"It's nothing…" he replied, almost in a whine, not even trying to sound convincing. He didn't look up but he could feel Renji's scrutinizing glare. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, he said softly, "It's Shirosaki…"

Renji ran his fingers gently through Ichigo's hair and they sat in silence again.

"Don't hurt me," Ichigo said suddenly, still not looking up at him.

"I wouldn't—"

"Shirosaki…will probably kill you. That's the only reason I care."

"Don't say things like that," Renji rebuked.

Ichigo finally looked up into Renji's eyes. "But he—"

"Not him – you. You should damn well care if I hurt you, and Shirosaki has every right to kill me if I do."

The boy dropped his eyes again. "He doesn't… He doesn't have any right to say that. Not after…" he said quietly, trailing off.

"After what?"

Ichigo hesitated. "Nothing…"

"Ichigo – what the hell did he do to you?" Renji asked sharply.

"It's nothing!" Ichigo snapped. "It's nothing…"

Renji frowned, not liking the implications he was picking up on. "He didn't…" he started in disbelief.

"It doesn't mean anything…" the boy said softly. "He's…_me_. It's just…myself. It's nothing…"

"No, Ichigo… He may be a part of you, but he's not _you_. Even if it technically doesn't mean anything, it still means something if it's affected you this much."

"It doesn't matter," Ichigo snapped in a pleading voice as he dropped back down onto the bed and rolled over on his other side. "It's my fault anyway," he added, a bit quieter.

"Why?" Renji couldn't believe that after all Ichigo had been through, he'd be stupid enough to allow himself to be subjected to that.

Ichigo didn't answer and Renji wondered if he'd passed out. He reached out and lightly touched Ichigo's shoulder and felt the boy jump a bit.

"Ichigo – why is it your fault?"

"It doesn't matter," Ichigo insisted, his voice breaking. "Please…just…leave it alone…"

"That isn't gonna happen, Ichigo! Why're you blaming yourself for this?!" Renji snapped. He didn't mean to sound so angry, but he was just so frustrated…

"Because I asked for it!" Ichigo snapped back, his body curling up just a little tighter. "I asked him…just like I asked you last night…"

Renji stared at him, stunned. "Why…?"

"I didn't know…how else to deal with it… With Nell's…" His voice broke and he choked back a sob. "I didn't know what else to do…"

* * *

_Ichigo retreated to his inner world and found it pouring rain.__The Hollow was there, clearly not pleased with the emotional weather._

_Their eyes met – angry gold and desperate brown. Ichigo looked down, the Hollow looked away._

_Ichigo braced himself. "Can you…make this stop…?" he asked softly. "I just…want it to stop…"_

_The Hollow snorted, glancing back at the broken boy for a moment. "Nice of ya t'ask, but this ain't my world," he said, turning to walk off._

_Ichigo caught up with him and caught him by the wrist. "I know you can help. Just help me forget. I just want to forget," he pleaded._

_The Hollow studied him for a moment. He knew what Ichigo was asking for and why – the boy was a mess, looking for comfort. Looking for a distraction._ _He sighed. If Ichigo was going to get like this after every single one, there was no way he'd be able to fight in the war. He'd be killed even before the Hollow would have any chance to take over._

_The Hollow flicked his wrist out of Ichigo's grasp and grabbed the boy's instead. Without any hesitation he kissed him possessively, and Ichigo gladly melted against him. There was a subtle shift in the rain – one that the Hollow caught, but Ichigo didn't. It wasn't surprising – when it's raining that hard, not many people notice when it gets a little harder…_

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Blink-182 "Violence"

* * *

Words: 2707  
Total: 20130

* * *

Because I don't want people complaining: it's not non-con! ›.‹ (though it amounts to the same thing...)_  
_


	10. Distraction

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Angst, More Dead People (honestly, if this is coming to you as a surprise...where the hell have you been?)  
**Notes** : If it weren't for Shizzy making me solidify a plot, there would have been smut (or at least soft porn) this chapter, but we have to forego the porn so this story can actually continue (and perhaps eventually end XD). Also, apologies for the wait and sorry this chapter really isn't interesting... It's relatively mellow, but hey, a roller coaster's gotta have its slow points, right? Right. (just keep believing that).  
**Dedication** : To everybody who thanked Shizuka - you guys made her happy n.n Also to everybody who leaves long reviews - I love hearing about what you liked (or didn't like) about the chapter and your thoughts and everything. A part of me wishes that I could go one-on-one with people, going over the chapter, seeing how things come across to different readers and everything xD; Guess I'm a bit of a dork ‹3

* * *

Candy Cane : 10 : Distraction

* * *

_ There's a field nearby, with words written in stone: My love will not die. Please let it be known.  
This place is dead, it echoes through town. There isn't one voice, I haven't heard a sound.  
The planes flew in, their bombs did, too. The city fell flat, the fires, they grew.  
When the smoke comes in, it'll color this town, but I'll still have you, So I'll say it aloud:  
I'll be your distraction... I'll be your distraction...  
The friendship we made, is a waste of our time. There's no one left here, to show future that's kind.  
It's a world of hate, gone incredibly wrong. We cared too late, We just followed along.  
And the boys went down, with a gun in their hand, their weapon of choice, their knees in the sand.  
If that field nearby, was still there to be used, would you ever have known? Those words were for you._

* * *

_The Hollow shook his head, spraying rainwater from his white hair for a split second. Ichigo's inner world was pouring once again. "This has got to stop…" he grumbled. This was the second death since Nell. The first was Shibata Yuuichi._

_He waited until Ichigo was asleep before pulling him into the inner world._

"_What's this about?" Ichigo snapped half-heartedly._

"_You're pathetic."_

"_You dragged me in here to tell me that?"_

_The Hollow snorted. "If you keep this up, you're going to get a lot more people killed," he stated._

_Ichigo stared at him, angry and scared. After a moment, he looked away. The rain became sharper, like sleet._

"_I know you want to lose that memory, and there is a way I can help, but you have to be willing to do it, or it won't work."_

_Ichigo looked back up at him. "How?"_

_The Hollow stepped closer to him. "Are you willing to do whatever it takes to keep those memories from affecting you?"_

_The boy tensed. "I can't let anybody die because of me…" he whispered. "Yeah. I'm willing."_

* * *

Renji didn't know whether touching the boy was a good idea or a bad one. He wanted to comfort Ichigo, but he needed something to calm himself down as well. Being around Ichigo and needing to calm him down had abated Renji's frustrations, but now he wasn't quite so sure that would work. Ichigo was a complete mess of emotions and Renji wasn't faring much better. 

"I'm sorry…" Ichigo whispered. "I'm…disgusting…"

"You're a lot of things, Ichigo," Renji said, "but 'disgusting's not one of them."

Ichigo lifted his head a bit to look at Renji, only to find the man's back facing him. "How can you say that…?"

"Because I love you, and nothin's gonna change that."

Ichigo rolled over again to face him. "Do you…really mean that?"

"I don't say things like that if I don't mean them," Renji said, looking back at him. "I don't want to ask because I don't want to know, but if you wanna tell me something—_anything_, then tell me."

The boy watched him, silent for a moment. "I'm sorry…" he repeated, not knowing what else to say.

"If you say that one more time, I'm gonna smack ya upside the head," Renji growled softly, reaching over and running his hand through Ichigo's hair. "I know you have a reason for doing what you did."

"He helped… When… With that – I wanted to forget anyway, and he got rid of the memories for me… I had to do it, or else more people would've died because of me… I wouldn't be able to fight…"

Renji sighed softly and pulled Ichigo into a sort of half-hug. That _would_ be the reason – hell would freeze over before Ichigo did something solely for himself. "Ichii… People would give anything to have a friend as selfless and self-sacrificing as you…but promise me…you'll be a little more selfish from now on. Do something just for yourself every once in a while, okay? Just promise me you'll do that."

Ichigo closed his eyes and snuggled himself into the older man. How do you respond to that? "I—… Okay…" he sighed.

"You have to say 'I promise I'll be more selfish' or else I'm not making you breakfast."

The boy smiled. "Can you deal with me being whiney?"

"I didn't say whiney – I said selfish," Renji retorted, smiling as well.

"Semantics," Ichigo pointed out, nuzzling into Renji's neck. "Yeah, I promise I'll be more selfish," he added softly.

"I'm holding you to that," the redhead said, slipping away, but not before pressing his lips to Ichigo's forehead. "Come on, let's go see what we can dig up for breakfast."

Ichigo took Renji's outstretched hand and helped himself to his feet.

* * *

Within five minutes, Ichigo was sitting at the dining table, watching Renji make pancakes. 

"I find it weird that you know how to cook," Ichigo said, uneasy with the silence. "I mean, I'm around this stuff all the time and I can barely make a grilled cheese."

"You wanna know what's weirder?" Renji replied. "All I know I learned from Shuuhei."

"You're kidding," Ichigo said with a chuckle.

"Hey, he _was_ my senpai."

"So he taught you how to cook?"

"Well, not exactly," he said, coming over and setting a plate of dollar-coin pancakes in front of Ichigo. "Macadamia-nut pancakes."

"No syrup?"

"Trust me – just eat them."

Ichigo picked up one and took a small bite out of it and learned why he didn't need syrup. The pancakes had macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips, turning them into melt-in-your-mouth breakfast cookies, essentially. "Oh wow – these are good…"

"Don't shovel them down – you'll make yourself sick," Renji warned with a smirk.

"So what do you mean by 'not exactly'?"

"These? Shuuhei made them for me once, way back in my second year at the Academy. I only got the recipe from him – I'm surprised I still remembered it. This is the first time I've made them."

"He was out by then, wasn't he?" Ichigo asked. He remembered Renji saying Shuuhei was a sixth-round student during Renji's freshman year.

"Yeah. He still tutored me, though."

"Damn. You got lucky."

"Yeah, I guess I did…"

"You guys are pretty close, huh?"

"You could say that…" Renji replied cryptically as he sat down on the other side of the table with his own plate of pancakes. He sighed. "What I was trying to say before…"

"You and Shuuhei?" Ichigo asked, guessing at what Renji wanted to say.

Renji nodded. "I was his – his pet. He did what he wanted and I did what he asked in payment for the tutoring sessions. It only lasted for like eight years…" When Ichigo didn't reply, Renji went on. "Look – a lot of things happened that I'm not proud of, but at the time…" he sighed. "Shuuhei was Shuuhei, and I wasn't anything – just a street rat that made it into the advanced class."

Ichigo stayed silent for a moment, nibbling on his pancake. "'A lot of things'…" he echoed.

"Yeah. There were…other people involved. And there was just…a lot of humiliation."

"You did it in turn for tutoring, right? So why did it last for eight years, not six?"

"Because I thought I loved him. But…that wasn't love. If it was, I probably wouldn't feel so sick about it. I wouldn't feel like a whore…"

"You…are not a whore," Ichigo said, using the same tone Renji had when he refuted Ichigo's claim to being disgusting. "Maybe you were, but that's in the past – _your_ past. It is not my business, and you are not a whore," he said firmly. "You want me to learn to look forward, right? Not dwell on the past. So…why tell me anyway?" he finally asked.

"You have a right to know. I don't know if that whole thing screwed me up or not, and I don't want to act like Shuuhei and take you for granted, and I don't want you to act like I did and stay with me even if I'm hurting you."

A pause. "You promised…you wouldn't hurt me… And I believe you."

"Ichii – that's not—" He stopped and sighed. "I'd never try to hurt you intentionally, but I don't know what I might do that would hurt you on accident. You can't just say 'oh, he didn't mean it' or just deny it – you gotta tell me. Tell me anything—everything. Every bit of this is in your control."

"You act like I'm some porcelain doll, like one wrong move could shatter me," Ichigo snapped. He really did find it endearing (and ironic) that Renji was so scared of hurting him – the same Renji that sparred with him all the time and never held back – but at the same time, it irritated him that the man felt it necessary to treat him so delicately.

"Right now, it could. And I'm not talking about just one wrong move – I'm talking about wrong moves that could keep happening over and over again if you don't say anything. Even steel will eventually break if you nick it enough. So you gotta tell me what's wrong and what's right with you, okay? That's all I'm asking."

Ichigo let this sink in for a moment. "You have to tell me, too, then," he said finally. "You can't just make this about me – you've gotta tell me the same things. It's a two-way street, right?"

Renji gave a quirky half-smile and nodded. "Right."

"I'm not _that_ delicate, you know. And I'm not stupid. You would do the exact same things you tell me not to do. You'd keep your mouth shut for my sake, wouldn't you?"

Quirky gave way to a rather defeated look. Renji nodded a bit. "Yeah… I probably would."

"I can take it, Renji. Don't act like I can't and don't you dare try to treat me like a princess."

The redhead chuckled. "Aww, but I was so hoping to see you in a dress," he teased affectionately.

"Renji!" Ichigo snapped, his face going pink.

He smirked. "We got a long time to figure this out, Ichigo. We can take this slow. I don't mind."

"A long time…?" Ichigo echoed, sounding slightly confused.

"It's a long time for you. Even longer if…" He stopped, not sure if Ichigo really wanted to take him up on the offer of being the third division's captain.

"If I go to Soul Society," Ichigo finished for him anyway.

"You don't have to, Ichigo," Renji said. "It's always an offer and the door's always open, but you don't have to accept the invitation – not now or ever, really. We can't force you to leave your life here just for Soul Society's benefit, and we can't force you to become a Shinigami when you die."

"What if I want to? I told you earlier – I don't have a lot left here. I have my family, but…I'm allowed to be a little selfish, right? I love them and I don't want to make them have to deal with my choice, but… Honestly, Renji, I don't have much more of a future here – not one I'd be happy with. Soul Society offers a future that…actually caters to my nature. And then there's you."

"Don't do this for my sake—"

"I'm not. I'm being selfish, remember?" he pointed out with a smirk. "I want to live in Soul Society, and I want to be with you, and…and I just want to be happy," he added softly, as if he was scared to admit it. In truth, being ordered to be selfish actually did scare him quite a bit. He hadn't really ever been a selfish child, and he wasn't sure he was even capable of being selfish. But Renji had said it was just wanting to do things for yourself, right? So he'd just started with "I want" and went from there, throwing out the wants that linked to other people's happiness, not necessarily his own.

Renji smiled and moved around the table to sit next to Ichigo. He wrapped his arms around the boy and drew him close. _When's the last time you didn't have some sort of pain or sadness in those eyes, Ichigo?_ "There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. And honestly, I'd be fucking ecstatic to see you happy."

Ichigo gave a weak chuckle. "So would my old man…" He groaned and buried his face against Renji's chest. "I have to talk to him…"

"Well, yeah, that's a give-in…"

"You haven't met my old man for real," Ichigo said pointedly.

"Heh. I guess it'd be a good idea to meet my future father-in-law, ne?"

Ichigo backhanded him in the stomach. "Don't say things like that in front of him."

"Afraid he won't approve?"

"Hardly – I'm afraid he _will_ approve," Ichigo said with a weak smirk.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Angels & Airwaves "Distraction"

* * *

Words: 2008  
Total: 22138 


	11. Can't Repeat

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Randomness, angsting, and Isshin  
**Note** : HOLYFUCKDON'TKILLME. Sorry I haven't updated. I went through a phase of BLAH where I didn't want to write. Shizzy let me have the break (so blame her XD j/k) but now I'm back and better than ever! ‹3 I was also waiting for the alerts to work again (excuses excuses - I know! XD)  
**Dedication **: To all of you who're still with me and reading this XD Thanks for putting up with me!

* * *

Candy Cane : 11 : Can't Repeat

* * *

_ Life goes on – come of age,  
Can't hold on – turn the page.  
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes,  
Yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries._

* * *

Ichigo and Renji had to make a detour to Ichigo's flat and return to their corporeal bodies (which resulted in a hot shower together in the tiny stall) before they started on the walk to the Kurosaki Clinic. 

After a few awkward minutes, Renji brushed his hand against Ichigo's.

Ichigo looked at their hands. "Don't…"

"Why not?"

"It's just…" he shifted uncomfortably, then sighed and took Renji's hand in his own. His face flushed, but he liked the reassuring contact.

Renji chuckled. "Is this okay?"

Ichigo nodded as he attempted to return his face to a normal color. "I'm…a little scared…"

"Of what?"

"Talking to my dad. I mean, I know he's not gonna disapprove of anything, but…" he sighed, "I don't know. I guess I just can't believe that he'd be so open to everything. He's gotta draw the line somewhere, right?"

"He'd be a hypocrite if he forbade you to go back to Soul Society," Renji pointed out. "He came here for the same reason you're going back."

Ichigo nodded. "But…he came here to get away from the violence… I'm going back into it."

"He came here because he is a father and he was meant to raise a family. You are…a guardian, a hero, and you are meant to fight and protect those close to you," Renji said plainly, gently squeezing Ichigo's hand.

Ichigo smiled a bit. "Even if… Even if he doesn't approve…I'm still gonna go. And if he doesn't approve of…of this," he moved his hand a bit, indicating their relationship, "then I'm just gonna kick his ass until he does."

Renji chuckled. "That sounds more like the ryoka brat I know," he teased affectionately.

His smile grew a little more. "What…is Soul Society like…when it comes to…to this?" he asked hesitantly.

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Well, I mean, it's not exactly approved of over here. Even little things like this – just holding hands – it's not…right, I guess. Or something stupid like that… I guess I just wanna know if Soul Society's the same way or if it'll be okay for people to know…"

Renji thought for a moment. "It's not somethin' you'd wanna go braggin' about, I guess, but nobody really does that, even with guys and girls. The other guys pick up on things like that pretty quick on their own. It's not taboo, if that's what you're askin'. Pretty normal, really. It's things like…like a graduated Shinigami bein' with an Academy student that can get you into a bit of trouble," he said with a grim chuckle. "I think it happens pretty frequently, though. But that ain't permission to go scoutin' out all the pretty boys," he added jokingly.

Ichigo snorted. "I'm still a baby compared to them, remember?"

"Age doesn't matter when you're a Shinigami – only rank does. It's the only way kids like me have any authority over some of these guys."

"How old are you, anyway?"

"Ah… Prob'ly 'round two hundred."

"And you look about twenty – so a ten-to-one ratio, right?"

Renji shrugged. "Sounds about right, I guess."

Ichigo paused. "I'll stop aging, too, right? Even if my body doesn't technically die…I'll slow down like everybody else?"

Renji looked at him. "I…honestly don't know. I know if you actually die that, yeah, you'll age like the rest of us, but I don't know what'll happen if you keep your body alive…"

The boy sighed. "I really will have to die, won't I?"

"Probably… But Urahara can help us out there."

He nodded and they fell into silence again, though one more comfortable than before.

* * *

Ichigo let go of Renji's hand as he opened the door to his family's home. The both walked inside, Renji a few steps behind Ichigo. 

"ICHIGOOOOOO!!!" a voice boomed before a large blur slammed into the boy. "My son has returned!" Isshin exclaimed, putting Ichigo in an aggressively affectionate headlock.

Without saying anything, Ichigo threw him into the wall.

"How cruel you are to your father!" the man cried from his upside-down vantage point. He suddenly noticed Renji and immediately uprighted himself, his energy renewed. "And you don't even introduce me to your friend!"

"Dad…!" Ichigo finally snapped half-heartedly, not looking at him.

The energy in the room shifted.

"Eh?" Isshin picked up on his son's uneasiness. "Something wrong?"

"Yeah. There's something wrong," he replied solemnly.

Isshin looked between Renji and Ichigo. Then suddenly exclaimed, "Oh my son – there's nothing to be afraid of! Daddy approves!" before tackling the boy in a tight bear hug.

"DAD!"

"Not it?"

"I'm…going back to Soul Society. For good this time."

* * *

Before Ichigo could elaborate, Isshin made the boys sit down in the living room while he made tea, because they couldn't have a proper discussion without proper tea. As the retired Shinigami captain waited for the water to boil, he watched Ichigo and Renji from the kitchen doorway. Ichigo truly was his son in all senses – like him, the boy had to choose between two worlds. Isshin was rather proud that his boy had figured that out so soon, though, and he was happy that Ichigo had found somebody to make that selfish decision for. 

As ironic as it sounded, the very nature of love was a sort of selfishness that served two, not one. And after everything Isshin had seen Ichigo go through, he was more than happy to see that his boy had found somebody to be selfish for. Even if that somebody was another man.

Of course, he'd always suspected it – father's intuition and all. And constant snooping.

Back on the couch, Ichigo was leaning against Renji, lazily interlacing their fingers.

"You okay?" Renji asked softly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." When Renji gave his fingers a light squeeze, he added, "I'm just…a little scared, I guess."

"You're past the hard part – it's all downhill from here," he said, gently nuzzling into the orange hair.

"No hanky-panky on the couch!" Isshin called just before the teakettle whistled.

Ichigo growled and Renji chuckled.

"Hey, Dad, where are the girls?" Ichigo called after a few moments, realizing that the two should've been alerted as soon as he came home.

"At a friend's house," Isshin replied, carrying in a tray with three steaming cups. He set the tray down on the low table and sat across from the boys.

The three men sat in silence as they allowed the tea to cool.

"Aa – Soul Society, eh?" Isshin finally said, breaking the silence.

Ichigo nodded once. He couldn't speak if only because he didn't know how to put everything into words.

Isshin seemed to understand, though. "Your sisters will miss you."

"I'll come back and visit. I'll write regularly, I promise."

"You don't need to make any promises to me. Your mother named you Ichigo for a reason. You were born to protect one thing, one person as a guardian angel. I know she would be happy to see that her son has found that one thing."

Ichigo looked up at him, earthy brown eyes meeting dark chocolate ones.

His father smiled warmly and set his hand on the boy's head. "You are my son. Being a Shinigami is in your blood, but you chose to be one in your heart, and if Soul Society is a better place to allow your heart to flourish, then so be it. I would not be a very good father if I disapproved of your heart's path. Masaki would get mad at me," he added affectionately.

Renji was loath to ruin the father-son moment, but he feared that if he didn't, the matter of what to do with Ichigo's body would never be resolved. "Anou…"

"Oh! My other son feels neglected!" Isshin exclaimed, his sobriety fleeing once again. "Daddy is sorry!" He grabbed Renji in a bear hug, nearly crushing him.

"Ah—iye iye!" Renji stuttered, trying to pry himself free. "It's just—"

"I need to die," Ichigo supplied.

"Eh?" Isshin's grip slackened as he looked quizzically at Ichigo.

Renji took the chance and pushed the man from him. "Ichigo has to technically die in order for his soul to act normal in Soul Society," he explained.

"Sou ka?" Isshin looked thoughtful for a moment. "Guess that makes sense. I had to turn into a human so my soul would act normal in this world… Yosh! We can bury you next to Masaki!" he said cheerily.

"You aren't supposed to act happy about that!" Ichigo snapped.

"Oh, but we can have a beautiful black hearse and white lilies—"

"Urusai!" Ichigo kicked him in the face, shutting him up.

"I think your father's right, actually…" Renji said gingerly.

"Please – call me Daddy! You're family now!" Isshin said, blood trickling from his swollen nose.

"Stop creeping him out, Dad…" Ichigo grumbled. "And what're you doing agreeing with him?" he shot at Renji.

"You guys have those records and everything, right? A person can't just disappear like you're going to do without some sort of explanation. If your body is killed, it'll make things all the more believable."

"Oh, my new son is so smart!" He attempted to show his aggressive affection once again but was denied by Ichigo's foot in his face once again.

"Well, when you put it that way. Yeah, I guess. But how do we kill me without making it look like a murder?"

Renji hesitated before glancing down at Ichigo's arm.

Ichigo followed his eyes to the unnoticeable scars. "You're kidding…" he groaned looking back up at him.

"You've tried it once before – wouldn't be that hard to believe."

"Eh? Tried what?" Isshin asked, recovering from the latest retaliation.

"Urahara didn't tell you?" Ichigo replied, surprised.

"Guess not."

Suddenly irritated, Ichigo got up and snapped, "Go ask him if you're interested," as he quickly made his way to the stairs.

"Ichii…" Renji got up to follow him, but he was stopped as Isshin grabbed him by the wrist.

"What did he try to do?" the man asked, his tone more serious than Renji had ever heard it.

The redhead looked at him, then back the way Ichigo went. "Suicide," he replied softly before freeing his arm from the man's grasp and following Ichigo.

When he got up to Ichigo's room, he opened the door slowly and found the boy sitting calmly on the edge of his bed.

"What was that?"

"I didn't want to be the one to say it… You told him, didn't you?"

Renji nodded and sat down next to him, wrapping his arms around the boy. "I think he figured it out anyway by your reaction."

"I know." Ichigo tilted his head and kissed him. "You…really confuse me…" he said softly, resting his head on Renji's shoulder.

"How so?"

"Are you really going to allow me to kill myself? Even after…"

"It's not the same," Renji said firmly. It took some effort even for him to believe that, though. He sighed. "It's just…I guess I was scared that you'd given up. You would've probably landed back in Rukongai without any memories at all – a totally different person. I mean, you're alive, so being killed would make you officially dead, right? But if you were really tryin' to kill yourself, you know in your heart that you would have to kill both your body and your soul in order to be completely dead… Shit – I don't know. You're confusing the hell out of me, too."

Ichigo thought for a moment. "Renji – the heart and soul are connected even through death, right?"

"They're always connected…"

"So…if somebody truly wanted to die, his soul would die, too, right?"

"Probably, yeah…"

"And if he wanted to live, his soul would live?"

"What're you getting at?"

"If the soul dies, it's reborn, right? But if it lives, it retains the memories and gets sent to Soul Society."

"Ichii, we honestly don't know about any of that…"

"That's what you were trying to get at, though. If I had wanted to die in my heart, my soul would've died, too. But if I kill myself wanting my soul to live, my soul would live, right?"

Renji stayed silent. He didn't want to say that Ichigo was probably right – he really wasn't too keen on the idea of Ichigo committing suicide, even if it was just to kill his body. It all just didn't sit right with him. Ichigo may have been an anomaly, but the way they were going about this just confused him enough to make him anxious and edgy.

He was saved from giving an answer when an excited cry of "ICHI-NII!!" came from outside the door.

"Hurry up an' get out here before Goat-face offers another freaky explanation," a second female voice said.

Ichigo was already halfway to the door. He opened the door, asking, "What kind of explanations?"

"He said something about learning the way of adults," Karin growled. "What – did you actually manage to get a girlfriend or something?" she added teasingly

"Karin-chan! Don't be mean – Ichi-nii's come home again!" Yuzu cried, throwing her arms around her big brother.

Ichigo caught her and returned the embrace as he smirked. "Miss me much?" he said with a chuckle as he stepped back, pushing the door open all the way to reveal Renji sitting calmly on his bed.

"Renji-kun!" Yuzu gasped, letting go of her brother to run to the redhead, tackling him.

"Hey there, Yuzu!" Renji laughed, easily catching her. He had met Ichigo's sisters once before, but only briefly, as the encounter had ultimately involved a Hollow attack.

"What the hell – could you just get a damn girlfriend already, bro?" Karin growled. "You're makin' Goat-face even more desperate than you! There's gotta be somethin' wrong when a father assumes his son is gay."

"It's not an assumption, Karin," Ichigo said calmly as he mussed up her hair. He turned back to the other sister and Renji. "Come on, you two. Pop will probably start crying if we don't include him."

"Include him for what?" Yuzu asked as she hitched a piggyback ride with Renji.

"You'll see," Renji said as he followed Ichigo (who was steering the second twin) out the door.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

_ I woke the other day, and saw my world has changed; the past is over but tomorrow's wishful thinking.  
I can't hold onto what's been done, I can't grab onto what's to come, and I'm just wishing I could stop, but,  
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;  
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.  
Memories are bittersweet, the good times we can't repeat; those days are gone and we can never get them back.  
Now we must move ahead, despite our fear and dread; we're all just wishing we could stop, but,  
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;  
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries.  
With all our joys and fears, wrapped in forgotten years; the past is laughing as today just slips away.  
Time tears down what we've made, and sets another stage, and I'm just wishing we could stop.  
Life goes on – come of age, can't hold on – turn the page;  
Time rolls on – wipe these eyes, yesterday laughs – tomorrow cries._

Song Title and Lyrics: The Offspring "Can't Repeat"

* * *

Word Count: 2365  
Total: 24503_  
_


	12. Drive

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : Idiocy, Isshin, Angsting, Fucked-up-edness  
**Note** : It's short, but I'm giving it to you relatively quickly.  
**Dedication** : Everybody for putting up with me XD

* * *

Candy Cane : 12 : Drive

* * *

_Sometimes...I feel the fear of...uncertainty...stinging clear...  
And I...can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear...take the wheel and steer..._

* * *

The "I'm gay" discussion actually went over fairly well. Excellently, even, if one merely looked at the fact that it was a positive reaction. But this being the Kurosaki household, it was almost _too_ positive. At least from Isshin, who quickly ended up falling victim to Ichigo's foot.

Yuzu had turned her questions into a game where Ichigo had to try to answer her questions about Renji before or with Renji. If he didn't, Karin hit him.

"Birthday?"

"August 31," they answered together.

"Favorite food?"

"Taiyaki."

"Least favorite?"

"Spicy things."

"How's that gonna work out?" Karin asked.

"Very carefully, they answered. They looked at each other before snorting in laughter.

"Favorite color?" Yuzu asked, giggling.

Ichigo looked blank. Renji eyed him. "How can you not know that one?"

"Not exactly on the Top Ten Things I Need to Know About My Fighting Partner, okay?"

Renji snorted, smirking, and rolled his eyes. "It's red."

Ichigo smacked his palm against his forehead. Karin gladly smacked him upside the head. "Augh – enough of this!" the brother growled

"Yeah – you didn't drag us all down here just to tell us you like boys," Karin said dryly.

Ichigo nudged their father with his foot. "Wake up, old man."

Isshin popped up immediately. "Yosh! Daddy's back!"

"Urusai!" Ichigo growled. "Just…tell your daughters already, so I don't have to…"

"Eh? Oh!" He swept the girls up in a bear hug, exclaiming, "Girls – your big brother's found true love!"

"We know about that!" Karin snapped, freeing herself. "Ichigo's gay – okay. We get it. So what? What's the other thing you wanted to tell us about?"

"Sober up a little, Dad," Ichigo sighed.

Isshin let Yuzu go and nodded. "Aa – Ichigo is going to be moving again. A little farther away this time," he started.

"To where? America?" Yuzu asked innocently.

Karin frowned, looking from her father back to her brother and Renji sitting together, hip to hip. "Iye… He's going back to Soul Society, isn't he?" she said, bitterness creeping into her voice as her eyes narrowed at the younger of the two boys.

"That place? But why?" Yuzu cried.

"I'm going for good," Ichigo said softly, looking down, "because…there's too much of me over there for me to settle here again."

"Ichi-nii…" The brunette girl hugged her brother. Her maternal instincts had kicked into high gear.

Karin, on the other hand, still seemed pissed about the whole thing. "If you're going back there, what're we gonna do with your body again? Leaving Kon in charge of it was like having a baby brother to take care of."

"I'm… You won't have to worry about that," he answered quietly. "I can't exist in two places at once," he added, that being the only way he could phrase it, justifying it at the same time.

"Are you going to…?" Yuzu couldn't get the word out.

"Gomennasai…" he whispered, wrapping his arms around his baby sister.

Renji got up and walked over to Karin to crouch down in front of her so he was looking up at her. "He's not just tossing you guys aside, you know," he started softly. "This isn't easy for him – doing something for himself. You guys know he's an idiot, and you know he's got the biggest heart in the world."

"So why this? Why leave us?" Karin snapped, though her voice was weaker.

"He's not leaving you. He's just moving."

"He could be killed!"

Renji stopped himself from saying _he almost killed himself_. "I'll take good care of him, I promise," he replied instead. "And we'll write to you as often as we can, and we'll spend all of the time off we can here. Would that be okay?"

Karin seemed to think about this. "Promise you won't let him do anything stupid."

The redhead smirked. "I can't guarantee anything, but I promise I'll try."

The girl smiled. "You better," she said, forcing her voice to be strong before she hugged her new big brother.

When the girls had calmed down, they discovered that their father had slipped out, leaving a note that he was running an errand he had forgotten about.

Yuzu made dinner for the four of them, which was relatively quiet. After that, they all retired to bed, but not before Karin off-handedly commented about the thin walls. Ichigo blushed, but Renji had easily countered with, "Yeah, I'll try to make sure Ichigo doesn't snore too much."

* * *

About an hour after dinner, Ichigo and Renji were on Ichigo's bed, still awake. Ichigo was laying half on top of the older man, an arm folded on the tattooed chest, tucked under the orange-haired head, the short strands of which Renji was idly toying with.

Ichigo lifted his head and looked at Renji finally. "This whole thing… We're doing the right thing, right?" he asked softly. "We're going about this the right way…"

Renji continued to stare up at the ceiling, his free arm tucked under his own head. "I don't know," he answered finally, closing his eyes. "I know…that what we're trying to get is right. I just don't know if we're going about it the right way."

The younger boy sighed. "Why does this have to be this complicated?"

Renji didn't answer – it was a rhetorical question anyway. They both knew exactly why it was complicated. After all, going against the very laws of nature wasn't going to be simple and easy.

"My theory is right, though, isn't it? If you want to die, everything dies?"

"I don't know," Renji said firmly. He hated saying that, but he hated false hope even more. There really wasn't any guarantee that the pseudo-suicide plan would actually work the way they wanted it to. It was true that a soul still bound to life would hover in the living world and would have to be practically forced into Soul Society. It was also true that a soul that welcomed death would disappear – what happened to that soul, though, wasn't clear. On top of that, nobody ever thought to study what happened to people who died certain deaths.

"It…_should_ work, shouldn't it?" he asked softly. He needed positive affirmation of _something_.

Renji gave in. "Yeah. That doesn't mean it will, though."

Ichigo grunted, not pleased with Renji's pessimism.

"Go to sleep, Ichii," Renji sighed. "We've done enough thinking for today."

"Thinking and talking," Ichigo amended before scooting up and kissing him – he seemed to have fallen into a habit of that within a day. The simple action was enough for him to make sure everything was real, that he wasn't in some fucked up dream.

* * *

Ichigo tensed, readying his stance, as the eerily calm man stepped forward, his blade dripping with blood.

_Her_ blood.

It _had_ to be her blood.

The boy snapped and lunged for the traitor. He couldn't believe… After all he had gone through, all the rules he had bent and broken—it couldn't end like this! Too many people were sacrificed!

The sleek black blade sunk into his opponent's chest, crossing perfectly with a pure white blade held up in defense.

The zanpakutou wasn't Aizen's.

"Ichi…go…?"

The voice wasn't Aizen's.

Ichigo looked up.

The face wasn't Aizen's.

He hadn't killed Aizen.

He had killed Rukia.

Ichigo twitched half awake and rolled over, burying his face against Renji's chest as he easily slipped into a much calmer dream, his mind already having forgotten the most recent one.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title and Lyrics: Incubus "Drive"

* * *

Word Count: 1244  
Total: 25747 


	13. The Walk

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : stupidity, smut, snark, seduction, and pleasedon'tfuckingkillme ‹3  
**Note** : ...I have no excuse for my tardiness. Please accept my offering of boysmut. And toeing the lines of crackshipping.  
**Dedication** : Everybody who chances to see this.

* * *

Candy Cane : 13 : The Walk

* * *

_It's not meant to be like this...! Not what I planned at all!  
I don't want to feel like this...! Yeah...  
No–It's not meant to be like this – not what I planned at all...!  
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all...your fault..._

* * *

When Ichigo woke up, it was only due to the sound of a body forcefully thrown into his wall. 

"Yosh! My new son has _superb_ reflexes!" Isshin exclaimed, separating his face from drywall.

Renji snorted, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He had instinctively protected himself and Ichigo as soon as his senses picked up on Isshin's presence.

"You can't give us a moment of peace, bastard?!" Ichigo snapped at his father.

"Such language!" Isshin snapped back, sending his foot for his son's face, which was simultaneously grabbed and blocked by Renji and Ichigo, respectively. A moment later, the older man was thrown out the door, which was slammed shut soon after.

"Sorry about that," Ichigo muttered, running his hand through his hair as Renji sat back down on the bed. "Usually I'm awake before he barges in like that."

Renji shrugged. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You look like crap. You not sleep well?"

Ichigo grunted. "Guess not."

"Mmm… I suggest a hot shower and more of your sister's cooking. I can smell it from up here and it's makin' my mouth water. An' then I gotta go to the store so I can refill Urahara's liquor cabinet," he added on a less-than-happy note.

"I'm coming with you. But for now – shower," Ichigo replied, getting up. He took Renji by the hand and led him into the bathroom.

After convincing Renji to brush his teeth (on the grounds that Ichigo wouldn't kiss him if he didn't), they stripped down and stepped into the hot water of the shower. Precious little time was spent on actually getting clean since once Ichigo started combing his fingers through Renji's hair, washing it free of soap, the notion of innocence fled their minds. The redhead pressed him back against the tile and attacked his mouth hungrily, pressing their growing arousals against each other.

"Oh my God," Ichigo breathed against Renji's lips, fisting his hand in the red hair.

Renji smirked and nibbled at Ichigo's lip before trailing down his jaw and neck, licking away at the water.

Shaking a bit, Ichigo closed his free hand around Renji's hardening erection. He smirked a bit when he felt Renji tense up.

Once he got over his initial shock, Renji grinned and bit at Ichigo's shoulder, sucking gently, as his own hand returned the favor.

Ichigo moaned, though it was cut short when Renji's mouth moved from his shoulder to his lips again. As they both pumped each other in time, their noises were muffled against each other's lips. Within a few minutes, Ichigo came in Renji's hand and all over his stomach with what would've been a loud moan were Renji's tongue not halfway down his throat. Not long after, Renji came as well.

They cleaned themselves up (again) and made themselves decent before heading downstairs.

"Ah! You're finally up!" Yuzu exclaimed before getting their plates ready.

"Yes, your brothers had a long night," Isshin teased with a leer before the face was occupied by a foot.

"DIE!" Ichigo snapped, his face tinted pink.

Yuzu gave a confused glance between her brother and Renji before returning to the food, Karin shook her head at the males as she set her plate on the counter, and Renji just sat down, acting oblivious as Ichigo and Isshin engaged in another father-son battle.

"I swear nothing happened," Renji muttered upon noticing Karin's scrutinizing glare (which was frighteningly similar to Ichigo's).

"Maybe not last night," Karin said, still glaring.

Renji tried hard to keep his face from coloring. And failed.

"Oh God – I was _joking_!" the girl snapped, glaring at Renji with a mix of anger and disgust. "God, boys are so stupid…" she muttered, heading upstairs.

"What the hell'd you tell her?" Ichigo snapped, more confused than angry. Isshin was successfully subdued against the wall with a possible broken nose.

"I didn't _say_ anything. Mighta been better if I had…"

"Whatever…" he sighed, sitting down next to him as Yuzu served them breakfast.

* * *

Near noon, Ichigo and Renji were walking back to Urahara's, four fresh bottles of sake in the bags in their hands. 

"Oi oi, if it isn't freeloader-san and spiky-hair nii-san!" Jinta called, seeing the two approaching.

"Konnichiwa!" Ururu added, waving. "Should I go get Kisuke-kun?"

"Aa – Arigatou, Ururu," Ichigo said with a nod.

Ururu turned to go back into the store, only to have Urahara step out. "No need, Ururu-chan," he said, patting her head affectionately. "So you actually brought back something?" he teased, indicating the bags.

"Whatever it takes to keep you from callin' me a freeloader," Renji growled.

Urahara chuckled. "Sou ka? Aa – in any case, Kurosaki-san, could you follow me? I have something to show you. Jinta-kun, please help Abarai-san put the sake away."

"Aiya…" Jinta grumbled, taking Ichigo's share from him before the orange-haired boy followed the manager into the store.

"Did you accomplish what you needed to?" Urahara asked after they were out of earshot.

"For the most part, yeah. Thanks for letting us use your place, too," Ichigo replied.

"Mmhmmmm," Urahara hummed as he dug around in a few shelves. "Ah – here we are," he muttered, sticking something into the pocket of his coat, not withdrawing his hand.

"What did you want to show me?"

"Hnn… You and Abarai-san, ne?" he drawled, turning back to the boy. "I suppose that's to be expected…"

"What're you talking about?"

"You know," he continued, ignoring the question as he stepped forward, "you tear your father in so many different directions. At first he's ecstatic that you've found a partner, then fretting about the reactions to it, and then weeping in sorrow over your decision to return to Soul Society for good."

"I get the first two, but why the third?" Ichigo asked.

"Soul Society is not the most ideal place to have a relationship. It's dangerous, and you or your partner could die on any given patrol. That is why your father and Masaki-chan opted to exile themselves from Soul Society. They wished to raise a family away from that violence, and now here you are, their first-born son, diving right back into it." As he spoke, he had been walking closer, slowly forcing Ichigo up against the wall. "Don't you think you ought to reconsider your choice?" he purred, nose-to-nose with the boy, their eyes locked.

Ichigo tensed up, silently cursing the hindrances his human body put on him. "I think you oughtta step back," Ichigo growled.

"Sou ka? I think I could change your mind about leaving…" he whispered, his lips centimeters away from Ichigo's. Suddenly, their mouths crashed together. The hand in Urahara's pocket came out and wrapped against Ichigo's throat.

Panicking, Ichigo tried to fight back and shove the former captain away, but his body didn't want to respond at all.

Just as the door to the room banged open, Ichigo felt a familiar tug at his soul. Suddenly, he was thrown by the throat towards the door and was subsequently caught by a _very_ pissed Renji.

"What the hell're you doing?!" Renji yelled at Urahara as Ichigo shakily attempted to wipe his mouth off. Collapsed at the blond's feet was Ichigo's empty body.

"Helping," Urahara replied plainly.

"'The fuck you make me swallow?" Ichigo muttered from behind his hand before coughing. "Ugh…"

"Oh come now, it wasn't _that_ bad… Was it?"

"Shut up and answer the fucking question!" Renji snapped, tightening his grip on Ichigo.

Urahara smirked. "Poison, actually. Though it's a special formula – it affects the body, but not the soul. If you had stayed in your body as it died, you would have disconnected from it as a Plus again. But if I had used a normal poison and pulled you from your body like I did, then the poison would still course through your spiritual body and eventually kill you and your human body. As it stands, however, you should only feel a little under the weather for a few hours at the most while your human body dies."

"My dad put you up to this?" Ichigo asked.

"Of course! You don't think I'd kill you on a whim, do you?"

"That's debatable," the two shinigami said in unison.

Urahara frowned. "Well, in any case, you can either stay here until Kurosaki-san feels better, or you can take him back to his house to rest there. You do have to return to Soul Society in order to authorize taking him over, correct?"

"Yeah," Renji sighed. At Ichigo's agitated shift in his reiatsu, he added, "I won't go 'til you're feeling better, 'kay?"

Urahara gathered the soulless body up in his arms. "Well, I suggest leaving Kurosaki-san at his own home. I'm sure he won't be able to sleep in my house after that," he said with an amused chuckle as he walked past them. "And by the way, he didn't kiss back," he added in Renji's ear before he was out of sight.

"Tch… I didn't need him to tell me that…" Renji growled.

"Tell you what?"

"That you didn't kiss back."

Ichigo snorted, his cheeks tinting pink. It was embarrassing enough that Renji caught him in that position. After a moment, he wrapped his arms around Renji's neck and kissed him, immediately slipping his tongue past Renji's lips. In Ichigo's opinion, it was the best and _only_ way to get rid of the disgusting aftertaste.

"How're you feelin'?" Renji asked against his lips, concern clear in his voice. 'Under the weather' for Urahara could mean any level sickness ranging from vague nausea to similar affects caused by chugging way too much alcohol in a very short amount of time. And Renji wasn't exactly fond of being in the path of projectile vomit – that'd happened too many times for him to count.

"Like I've been Frenched by a dog after it's licked itself," Ichigo muttered, resting his head on Renji's shoulder. "An' that was an insult to geta-boushi, not you," he added as his mind registered what he'd said.

"You're disgusting…"

"'M also dizzy and tired… Can ya just take me back home? I'll take a nap while you go back and get…whatever shit paperwork you need to get filled out."

"That might take longer than just a nap, Ichii – I dunno how many hoops I'll have to jump through before I can get back here. We can go back to your house and I'll go when you're feeling okay."

"If it's gonna take a long time, you should leave now, shouldn't you?"

"It'll take longer if I'm worried about ya. Now off for a sec so I can get out of this gigai – it'll be faster and less weird-looking if we both can't be seen."

Ichigo grunted and let go, finding his legs were still willing to support him, though just barely. "Why would it take longer?"

Renji fluidly pulled himself from the gigai (he'd gotten better with it) before answering. "'Cause I won't be able to pay attention to whatever shit I'm supposed to be doing and I'll screw up or forget shit."

The boy chuckled softly at Renji's blunt honesty about his fallibility. "You're an idiot," he said as Renji pulled Ichigo's arm over his shoulders, wrapping his free arm around the younger boy's waist.

"Y'know, I'm the one luggin' your ass out of this pervert's place – ya might wanna watch what ya say," he replied as he started walking, getting used to the position. It wasn't often that Ichigo was actually still mobile enough to only need support – the kid normally wore himself out to the point of exhaustion, at which point Renji usually had to fully carry him or give him a piggyback ride.

"I say it out of love."

"I don't think you should be allowed to use that as justification for calling me an idiot."

"I never needed justification before," Ichigo pointed out.

"Because I figured you were just trying to repress your feelings for me," Renji retorted, being deliberately cheeky.

"Oh, so you're a fuckin' psychologist now?" They were out of the store now and Renji was using shunpo to get from rooftop to rooftop, heading towards the Kurosaki household.

"No, I just know how you think 'cause you think like me."

"You think like an idiot – I don't," Ichigo snapped.

"Who tried to defeat a Menos by chopping it from the bottom up?" Renji deadpanned.

Ichigo was about to make a mental note to pay Rukia back double for telling that story when he realized with a cold jolt to his stomach that he'd never be able to get that chance again because Rukia was _dead_. Images from his nightmare flickered, indistinguishable; though he was quite aware of the emotions it had triggered the first time. He made a small whimper in the back of his throat, idiotically trying to hide it, as if Renji couldn't feel his reiatsu at all.

"Fuck… Sorry, Ichigo," Renji said softly, stopping. He nuzzled his head against Ichigo's as best he could. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Shut up and get me home," Ichigo said flatly.

Renji winced but obeyed. He supposed he deserved it for speaking before thinking; he just hoped Ichigo wasn't mad at him. He knew full well that that story was one of Rukia's favorites and there was no doubt that mentioning it would have triggered memories of her and the reminder that no matter how many times Rukia had embarrassed him with that story, there was no way to pay her back. _Fucking hell – I'm so sorry, Ichigo…_

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

_Inside out. Upside-down, twisting beside myself. Stop that now, 'cause you and I were never meant to be. I think you better leave; it's not safe in here. I feel a weakness coming on...  
Alright then (alright then!)--I could keep your number for a rainy day. That's where this ends – no mistakes no misbehaving. Ooh...I was doing so well – could we just be friends? I feel a weakness coming on...  
It's not meant to be like this...! Not what I planned at all... I don't want to feel like this...! Yeah... No it's not meant to be like this – not what I planned at all...! I don't want to feel like this...! So that makes it all...your fault.  
Inside out... Upside-down, twisting beside myself. Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me. Oh no--don't make it harder...than it already is... Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.  
It's not meant to be like this... Not what I planned at all... I don't want to feel like this... Yeah... No it's not meant to be like this – not what I planned at all...! I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.  
Big trouble--losing control. Primary resistance at a critical low. On the double – gotta get a hold; point of no return, one second to go...!  
No response on any level--Red Alert--this vessels under siege. Total overload--systems down--they've got control! There's no way out--we are surrounded...! Give in, give in...and relish every minute of it!  
Freeze... Awake here forever... I feel a weakness coming on...  
It's not meant to be like this – not what I planned at all. I don't want to feel like this... Yeah... No it's not meant to be like this--it's just what I don't need...! Why make me feel like this...? It's definitely all...your...fault...  
Feel like this (la la la la la la la la)... It's all your fault (feel like this) (la la la la la la la la)... It's all your fault (feel like this) (la la la la la la la la)... It's all your fault (feel like this) (la la la la la la la la)... It's all your fault..._

Song Title and Lyrics: Imogen Heap "The Walk"

* * *

Word Count: 2270  
Total: 28017_  
_


	14. Ask for Answers

**Disclaimer** : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners  
**Warning** : plottwists o.O (oh yes, this is the chapter where the mindfucking hits you full force)  
**Note** : Three months. Over three months - I KNOW. And I'm sorry. I've told a few people who've asked what's happening with the fics (update-wise), and here's the general gist: no, I have not given up on Candy Cane, Chi Chikai, or Snow Berry (Drama Life, for anybody who liked that one, is at an effective dead end). Yes, I will update eventually. When? No idea. I know you're probably pissed when I pop out crack oneshots after I tell you all that I have no time to write, but the real problem is that I don't have the time and energy at this point to sit down and really focus and give the longer fics the attention they deserve. If you want to know the full extent of my workload, click on my homepage link. The top post explains it all in full detail so you can understand what I'm mucking through here.  
Honestly, I don't mean to neglect these and I really want to finish them, but priorities are priorities.  
**Dedication** : Every single person who's been putting up with me xD;; I love you all.

* * *

Candy Cane : 14 : Ask for Answers

* * *

_Give up...this fight... There are no second chances.  
This time...I might... To ask the sea for answers.  
These bonds are shackle free...wrapped in lust and lunacy.  
Tiny touch of jealousy... These bonds are shackle free.  
Get through...this night... There are no second chances.  
This time...I might... To ask the sea for answers.  
These bonds are shackle free... These bonds are shackle free..._

* * *

When they got back into Ichigo's room via open window, Ichigo immediately released himself from Renji and flopped on top of his covers, laying on his side, facing the wall, his knees drawn up just slightly. After a moment, Renji sat down on the edge of the bed and settled a gentle hand on the boy's arm. Ichigo didn't push him away, but he didn't welcome it, either. He wasn't at all mad at Renji, but that didn't stop him from being torn between wanting to wrap himself up in the other man's arms, and wanting to ask him for some time alone.

Actually, being mad at Renji would have made the choice _much_ easier.

The redhead decided for him and laid down with him, settling his body flush against the other's, his arms wrapped loosely around him. "How're you feeling?" he asked softly.

"Dizzy. Tired. Sick," Ichigo said in monotone.

"'M sorry 'bout bringing her up…" he added, quieter.

"Had to think about it sooner or later…"

Renji sighed and nuzzled into the orange hair. "But still…"

"It doesn't matter now, Renji. I killed the fucker – I avenged her death…" His voice faltered as the unclear nightmare attempted to resurface again. "There's nothing else anybody can do…" he added, his voice just a bit weaker than before.

Renji frowned, picking up on the change. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," he said reflexively. He sighed. "There's just something weird bothering me and I've got no idea what the fuck it's about. It's probably just from stress or something – nothing really to worry about."

"Just as long as it stops…"

Ichigo turned over and buried his face against Renji's shoulder. "I'll be fine, Renji. As long as you're here, everything will be fine," he repeated softly.

"Will you be okay when I have to go back to Soul Society?" Renji asked, half-joking.

Ichigo chuckled. "I didn't mean _here_ here. I just meant…"

"I know what you meant, Ichigo," he said calmly before kissing the top of Ichigo's head. "Go to sleep. I won't leave without you knowing."

* * *

After a four-hour nap, a fight with Isshin, dinner brought up by Karin, and a less-than-happy "see you later," Ichigo found himself still not quite alone – Shirosaki was pacing inside of Ichigo's head, making sure the boy could feel his presence. 

"Why're you so annoying?" Ichigo sighed as he stared up at the ceiling from his lazy position on his bed.

_"Same to you, king,"_ the Hollow retorted, clearly just trying to start something.

Ichigo frowned and slipped into the inner world where he found the Hollow standing nearby, arms crossed over his chest, looking miffed. "What is your problem now?"

Without answering, Shirosaki stepped towards him and placed his hand on Ichigo's chest. Ichigo's breathing hitched as the uneasy feeling coursed through him, this time accompanied by the images of his short and forgotten nightmare. "The air gets weird here when you're lost and confused," Shirosaki explained before Ichigo could question him. "I'd take the rain over that – at least the feeling's solid."

After a few breaths to calm himself, Ichigo found his voice. "What…does it mean?"

"The dream? Nothing – it's just a nightmare. Your mind's still fucked up, remember?"

He sighed, accepting the answer. "You can stop touching me now," he said, pushing Shirosaki's hand away from his chest. Before he realized it, he was flat on his back with his Hollow pinning him down.

"And if I don't want to?" he replied, enunciating his words clearly. He hid his amusement as he felt the attitude shift the way he'd expected it to – he was an expert on gauging Ichigo's exact emotion based on the weather of the inner world.

What he didn't expect, though, was Ichigo forcefully flipping him, completely reversing their positions. "You don't have a choice in the matter," Ichigo snapped, glaring.

Shirosaki smirked. "Aa? So you're in control now? That's fine – I don't mind bein' on the bottom," he said smoothly.

"Don't get ideas."

"Heh – you even said it yourself, Ichii—" his smirk grew as he felt Ichigo's fingernails dig into his skin for that, "I am you, which makes this nothing more than a little self-indulgence. Admit it, king – you want this. And I'm willing to give it to you any way you want it," he cooed.

"I don't want you," Ichigo said firmly. "And what the fuck is your problem – one day you're helping me up, the next, you're shoving me down. What's the fucking deal?"

Shiro eyed him for a moment before answering. "I exist as your opposite, Ichigo. When you fall too far down, I have to bring you up. When you get too high and mighty, I have to pull you down. During the war, you found the balance between us needed in order to fight effectively with my power. Now, though, you're all over the fucking map. I bet you can't even hold the mask for more than five seconds anymore."

"I don't need the fucking mask! I don't need your power, and I don't need that sort of balance. I understand that I can't throw you away or lock you back up, but isn't there some other balance we can just agree on? I like being happy. Ground me again when I get too full of myself, yeah, but leave me alone when I'm just…content. You ruin a lot of things."

"That's what I've been doing, Ichigo, but this isn't a simple up and down – your emotions go forwards and backwards and sideways, too. I keep having to shove you away from the edge and even though it seems like I'm just shitting on your parade, I'm not. You haven't completely gone off the deep end, so I've been doing my duty. And if you'll notice, I haven't bugged you since that morning – and that was you bugging me. You were fine that whole time. But now that Renji's gone and you were running in circles trying to figure out that stupid nightmare, I had to do something so this place is somewhat pleasant."

"Then why this? Why put me in this position?"

"Technically, you put yourself in this position…"

"You know what I fucking mean, bastard," Ichigo growled.

"I had to make sure. You're happy when he's around, but you were happy when Rukia was around, too – happy doesn't tell me anything. Your reactions to me trying to get you to cheat, however, speak volumes. You got pissed at me for thinking that you would really consider that meaningless. You got pissed because you're loyal. If you had gotten sad, it would've been because you would've known you were cheating on him and yet wanting it anyway. You really don't want it from anybody else other than him – that's all I had to make sure of."

"Why?"

"Oh fuck, Ichigo, are you dense? If your relationship was unstable, _you_ would've been unstable. I would've gotten you out of it before it drove you off the deep end."

Ichigo snorted softly. "Can I go now?"

"Yeah – git outta here before you annoy me enough to earn an ass-kicking."

Ichigo disappeared without hesitation. He came back to his senses still staring up at the ceiling. He glanced over at his clock – 8:53 – sighed, and rolled over, touching his knees and forehead against the wall. Sleeping wasn't going to come easy.

* * *

Renji had spent the last five or six hours simply _waiting_ for the most part. He filled out the paperwork (the only paperwork he'd ever actually _wanted_ to do) and then was forced to sit on his hands the rest of the time while Yama-jii considered it and got everything set up. When Nanao came out with the communicator in one hand and the manila folder in the other, Renji had to force himself from jumping on her out of sheer joy. 

"Honestly, Abarai, did you really have to do this this late at night?" she sighed.

"I made a promise," Renji replied quickly, waving his hand dismissively.

Nanao shook her head, knowing better than to question it. "Alright, well, just call the communicator when you're ready – somebody will be standing by to open up a gate for him."

Renji took the communicator from her hand. "Do I get twenty-four hours?"

"Only twenty since you bothered him with this so late."

Renji chuckled as he got to his feet. "Typical…"

"How long do you honestly think it'll take?"

"If I'm lucky, only a few hours at the most."

She nodded. "You're free to—" Renji dashed out past her, "—go?" She sighed. "Men…"

Renji ran like the hounds of hell were at his heels. He used the main gate to get through back to Karakura and immediately set off for Ichigo's house again.

Halfway there, he stopped dead in his tracks at the edge of a building, sensing a familiar reiatsu. Initiative told him to confront it. Recent experience told him to be cautious. He went with the latter, hoping it was just some figment of his imagination. He moved again, silently, pulling in his reiatsu as best as he could while still trying to lock onto the reiatsu that should've belonged to his _dead_ friend.

"Renji!" the voice called, unmistakably hers.

Reluctantly, Renji dropped to the ground. "Is it…really you?" he asked, disbelief clear in his voice.

"Of course it's me, silly! Who else could it be?" she said happily, throwing her small body around him in a bear hug, laughing.

Instinctively, Renji hugged her back, keeping her from pulling him down with her weight. "R-Rukia…? Holy fuck – how the fuck are you alive?!"

"Aizen didn't kill me – he just made it look like he did so he could fight Ichigo at his full power," Rukia explained.

"But…that doesn't make sense – the illusion would've broken as soon as Ichigo killed him…"

"This is _Aizen_ we're talking about, Renji. He was strong enough for his power to last even after his death, but only for a time. When the illusion broke, a few of the rogue Arankar picked me up and healed me. And now I'm finally back!"

Renji, as uneasy as he was about her story, smiled and gave her a real hug. "Oh my God, Rukia…" he breathed, fighting back tears.

* * *

Ichigo followed the reiatsu, uneasy and confused. He recognized the reiatsu, but the Hollow medallion hadn't gone off, meaning that… He growled and sighed at himself. He couldn't stand it. And besides, he needed to do something. Sleep wasn't being a friend tonight. 

What he saw stopped him dead in his tracks. Rukia was laughing and hugging Renji, who was doing the same thing back. "Rukia?!"

Renji reacted first, setting Rukia down in order to embrace his lover. "She didn't die, Ichigo – she's alright and she's back with us!"

"Is it…really Rukia?" Ichigo asked, disbelieving, as Renji let him go.

"Of course it's me, boke!" Rukia snapped, smacking him upside the head.

"Ow! Ya little shit!" Ichigo swung at her half-heartedly.

Renji laughed and ruffled Rukia's hair. "Oh my God, Rukia…I still can't believe this."

"It's real, I swear to you. I'm alive and well!" She threw her arms around Renji's neck again. "You remember what you said that day, Renji?"

"Huh?"

"You told me not to leave you. And I won't, Renji. I won't ever leave you again," she said, nuzzling into his neck.

"R-Rukia…" Renji glanced at Ichigo, who looked like he was having an internal battle with himself – or his other self.

"Yeah—okay," Ichigo said tersely, "I'll just leave you two alone." He turned on his heel and started walking away.

"Ichigo – wait!" Renji tried to pry Rukia from his neck, but the girl wasn't having any of it.

"He's trying to give us time to catch up, Renji! Let him go."

Ichigo had stopped and was watching the two, still wondering what the fuck was up with this situation. At Renji's panicked hesitation, Ichigo felt something inside of himself snap. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he yelled at him.

Renji went cold, seeing the look in Ichigo's eyes. One more step and the boy wouldn't be above physically attacking him outright. The only problem was that he couldn't find the words to say to bring Ichigo away from the edge. _FuckfuckFUCK._

"Come on, Ichigo," Rukia said. "You had to have known what was between me and Renji. We've been friends for more than twice as long as you've even been alive!"

"FUCK YOU!" Ichigo finally lashed out and launched a Getsuga almost upon pure reflex.

Before Renji could react properly, the black crescent was deflected by Rukia's pure white zanpakutou. The girl stood in between both boys, facing Ichigo in a ready position. The redhead wasn't seeing her, though – he was seeing Ichigo with his blade pointed straight at both of them.

"Really, Ichigo. Attacking your own friends? Get a hold of yourself!" Rukia said, though she still wasn't backing down.

Ichigo snorted. "Neither of you are my friends. Rukia is dead. I don't know _who_ the fuck you are. And unless Renji somehow redeems his ass in the next nanosecond, he's going to be my ex."

Rukia dropped her guard with a confused expression. "Ex? As in…ex-boyfriend?"

The boy bit the inside of his lip to keep himself from making a smart-ass remark. One glance to the redhead told him all he needed to know – Renji was on guard at least, with a hand on the hilt of his zanpakutou. It was good enough.

"Then I suppose you won't mind this…" Rukia continued. Suddenly, she was on the far side of Renji, crouched down with the white ribbon encircling her.

Recognizing the position, Renji jumped up and away, landing a few feet above the ground in front of her. "What the hell're you doing?!"

She looked up at him with a smirk. "How naïve…"

Renji's breath hitched as he realized he was frozen in place. In a split second, the feeling was compounded with ice, barely giving Renji enough time to force it off before it tightened too far, causing the shattering shards to cut through his skin. The sound of the ice breaking was echoed across from him as Ichigo, who'd found himself in the same state, forced the ice from himself as well. They both went to high ground, Rukia following.

In the pause, Ichigo retaliated, pulling his mask down and firing off another Getsuga.

Rukia whipped around and blocked the attack before retaliating with her own, though hers was kido. "Bakudo 61, Rikujou Kourou!"

"BANKAI!" Renji yelled a moment before lashing out with Zabimaru.

Rukia dodged the attack and called out another kidou attack, only hadou this time, causing an explosion that Renji was just barely able to escape but not without injury.

Ichigo finally broke the bakudo around him. "BANKAI!"

_"Let me at it, Ichigo!"_

The boy growled at the voice from inside his head but pulled the mask down anyway, letting his eyes turn black and gold before pushing it aside. "Clear out, Renji!"

The redhead didn't need to be told twice. He disengaged his bankai and got himself out of Ichigo's trajectory range just before Ichigo let his full power loose. The black crescent took up the whole sky.

Ichigo disengaged the mask, panting from the exertion. "Fuck…"

Renji landed behind him. "Geeze, think you got her?"

"It. Not her. It," Ichigo replied resolutely. He growled a bit. "Espada…"

When the black energy finally dissipated. Rukia was still standing, looking haggard and bleeding. "Heh. So you finally figured it out, Ichigo?"

"Only you fucking Espada can withstand that!"

"It's not one of the original ten, though – Rukia took care of the only shape shifter," Renji said.

"And you don't think Aizen-sama would replace a shape shifter with another shape shifter? If Aaroniro hadn't been so cocky, Rukia would have died right there! You fucking shinigami are so damn sentimental – stupid!"

"Then why haven't we seen you until now? Why didn't Aizen use you in the war?"

Rukia smirked and flicked her wrist. A black rip opened up behind her. "Don't you get it? I wasn't created until _after_ the war." And with those words, she disappeared into the pitch-black mouth.

Ichigo was frozen, wide-eyed, and trembling.

"Ichigo… Your bankai," Renji said gently, knowing Ichigo was probably still pissed, and now obviously disturbed and shaken.

The shinigami substitute took a deep breath and closed his eyes, calming himself down as he let go of his bankai. After a pause, he reattached Zangetsu to his back and turned on his heel, heading back to his house.

"Ichii—"

"Talk later, Renji," Ichigo snapped, his voice tired.

Renji gave up and followed the boy, keeping a few feet behind. Ichigo's reiatsu was a mix of hurt, pain, anger, fear, and confusion – just being near him made Renji feel even more helpless than before.

* * *

**- - - - - - - - - - - - -**

* * *

Song Title & Lyrics: Placebo "Ask for Answers"

* * *

Word Count: 2840  
Total: 30857 


End file.
